Letting It Go

Life is short. You hear people say that all the time, but you never really take it to heart. I am going to try to do just that more often.

I have been very upset and angry lately, and I don't like it. I don't like who I am when I am upset or angry. I don't like how I act. My nickname wasn't Smiles in college for no reason. I am usually happy-go-lucky, compassionate, crazy, energetic, and spunky Smiles. Lately, I've been "rollercoaster Smiles," and I hate it. I don't like being depressed. I don't like not smiling. It's actually difficult for me not to smile.

So be gone, anger! So I got hurt. So what? So I was lied to. So what? Let it go. Is holding onto this animosity going to make the pain go away? Nope. Is conjuring up hatred (too strong of a word, but can't think of a suitable replacement....oooh....resentment....yea, that's it) going to make things better for me? For my husband? For my family? No, it won't. I believe it will actually make things worse, because I'm making myself someone I'm not. That's not healthy. And it's not healthy to feel this anger so much. So I'm letting it go.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not forgetting. I know what happened. I know I was deceived. I was manipulated. Hell, I'm sure I did some manipulating myself. And I won't forget how much I am hurting now because of my choices. I won't forget what put me into this predicament. But I can let go of the anger and still remember these things. I can still acknowledge what I did wrong without being so pissed all the time. At myself. At my husband. At D.

So there you go. No more anger. Just resilience. It's the new me. Let's try this Smiles on for size for a bit, and let's pray she fits.