Get on the Rock and Hit It!!!!

I saw an amazing speaker today. His name is Ken Johnson, and he is the chaplain of the Colts. He has come to speak to the students at my correctional facility several times before, and I have enjoyed it every time. I leave feeling inspired, feeling that I am doing the right thing. I am striving for excellence, and I am forcing these young men to do the same thing. I am a dream maker.

I wrote the above yesterday after work. I stopped writing because my son thought it would be fun to sit ON TOP of me while I was trying to type. I meant to continue the blog later, but something changed my attitude. I guess I didn't feel so 'inspired' after therapy.

40 minutes of the 60 minutes at marital therapy was all about how unhealthy my job is for my marriage and my family and how I need to quit. Have you ever sat and listened to someone go on and on for 40 minutes about how horrible you are, and how this is your consequence for being a whore (no, the therapist didn't use that word...that one is mine), and how quitting would be a nice 'gift' to give to my husband to attempt to gain back his trust? It's retched. I don't recommend it to anyone who is weak of spirit.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm still alive. I guess because I'm too damn stubborn to not be.

So all that wonderful bullshit about being a dream maker? Gone. I won't be one for much longer. But what are my choices? I've got to put my family first. That's a given. And you know...my therapist is right. This IS my consequence for my actions. One of many, actually. Like I said in my last post, every choice has a consequence. Hell, even Ken Johnson said that yesterday. But just because I know this is my consequence doesn't mean it makes it any easier to swallow. It doesn't mean I have to enjoy the fact that I have to leave the program that I created with my own two hands behind.

My husband is afraid I will resent him after leaving work. Maybe I will. But not anywhere near the amount that I resent myself.

I feel like shit every minute of every day....and the worst part is....I know I deserve it.

I guess I should explain the title. Ken Johnson told a fable about two young men who were trying to break up a rock that was on their farmland. One worked for a year, hitting it and hitting it when a hammer. Finally, he gave up. The other young man walked up and hit it once, cracking a huge chunk off. The first young man was very angry that the second got all the glory after just one hit when he had been the one to do all the work. The moral? You never know when that next hit is when everything will work. You never know if you just try one more time, if that will be the time to succeed. If you quit--you will never find out. So Ken told us to "Get on the rock and hit it." After hearing this speech, I was fired up. I was ready to hit that rock. I was ready to work my ass off in many different aspects of life.

Now I just want to be the first young man and give up and walk away. Seems simpler. Seems less hurtful. Seems like just accepting the fact that life isn't what you thought it could be.....