Confusing Emotions
Today I experienced (am experiencing) confusing emotions. There are feelings rushing throughout my body that I don't understand. It's difficult to put a label on them, and I don't know why I am feeling the way I am.
I found out today, after worrying this weekend about what would happen between D and his gf, that I had worried for nothing. The gf's brother told her what happened, but she assumed that this was three years ago, and she wants to move on, forgive, and forget. When I heard this I was upset. Angry. Disappointed. And I don't know why.
Am I disappointed that he will not be hurting the same way I am hurting? God, I hope not. I do not wish harm on the man. I wish harm only on a few select people, and trust me, they deserve it. Yes, this man has hurt me in the past, but I still do not wish to see him hurt. So why am I disappointed that the gf is so forgiving? Am I jealous of her? Or am I jealous that he gets off scott-free when I am left to face the consequences?
I am also still angry. I have gotten over the stupid idea that I am regretted. I knew that was just me overreacting in the first place. But I am still angry that he was/is worried about the gf discovering the affair. He told me over and over again how he didn't care for her 'the way he should.' His words, not mine. I asked him once if he loved her. He said "Not like I should." We talked often of their relationship and where it was going. Each conversation was him telling me how he didn't see it moving forward. He told me that she is unwilling to move, and due to his daughter, he could not move to her. Hell, he had me convincing him to move in with her for half a week, and live on his own for the other half. I talked to him about how after a year or so of this, she would be so madly in love with him that she would make the sacrifice to move away from family and in with him. He continued to negate all this, saying that he just couldn't see himself with her. He even made the comment of how he'd be surprised if they lasted past June. Yet now he is distraught with the thought of the relationship ending. I'm not upset that he is in a loving relationship. I am angry that he lied to me about it. Don't tell me that he just happened to find 'true love' with her in the past six weeks. That's a crock. If it's love, it was love before, which means he lied to me. Again. AGAIN people. How many times will he do this?????
My friends tell me I have no right to be angry or upset. One friend even laughed in my face (literally, and very loudly) when I told him that D should 'man up and just tell her.' He pointed out that I would never have told my husband. Maybe he's right. But I also never lied to D about my husband. My feelings for him were true enough to not lie about something so important. I was not deceiving D. But now it seems as if he were deceiving me. And that just stabs at me. So maybe I shouldn't be angry, but I have a right to what I feel, misplaced anger or not. I am angry, and I own that anger, and I have every right in the world to do so.
I found out today, after worrying this weekend about what would happen between D and his gf, that I had worried for nothing. The gf's brother told her what happened, but she assumed that this was three years ago, and she wants to move on, forgive, and forget. When I heard this I was upset. Angry. Disappointed. And I don't know why.
Am I disappointed that he will not be hurting the same way I am hurting? God, I hope not. I do not wish harm on the man. I wish harm only on a few select people, and trust me, they deserve it. Yes, this man has hurt me in the past, but I still do not wish to see him hurt. So why am I disappointed that the gf is so forgiving? Am I jealous of her? Or am I jealous that he gets off scott-free when I am left to face the consequences?
I am also still angry. I have gotten over the stupid idea that I am regretted. I knew that was just me overreacting in the first place. But I am still angry that he was/is worried about the gf discovering the affair. He told me over and over again how he didn't care for her 'the way he should.' His words, not mine. I asked him once if he loved her. He said "Not like I should." We talked often of their relationship and where it was going. Each conversation was him telling me how he didn't see it moving forward. He told me that she is unwilling to move, and due to his daughter, he could not move to her. Hell, he had me convincing him to move in with her for half a week, and live on his own for the other half. I talked to him about how after a year or so of this, she would be so madly in love with him that she would make the sacrifice to move away from family and in with him. He continued to negate all this, saying that he just couldn't see himself with her. He even made the comment of how he'd be surprised if they lasted past June. Yet now he is distraught with the thought of the relationship ending. I'm not upset that he is in a loving relationship. I am angry that he lied to me about it. Don't tell me that he just happened to find 'true love' with her in the past six weeks. That's a crock. If it's love, it was love before, which means he lied to me. Again. AGAIN people. How many times will he do this?????
My friends tell me I have no right to be angry or upset. One friend even laughed in my face (literally, and very loudly) when I told him that D should 'man up and just tell her.' He pointed out that I would never have told my husband. Maybe he's right. But I also never lied to D about my husband. My feelings for him were true enough to not lie about something so important. I was not deceiving D. But now it seems as if he were deceiving me. And that just stabs at me. So maybe I shouldn't be angry, but I have a right to what I feel, misplaced anger or not. I am angry, and I own that anger, and I have every right in the world to do so.
1 Comments:
Have you ever considered that the two friends who tell you that you have no right to be angry or upset are actually both really good friends with Derek? Of course they are going to tell you that. As his friends, they want to protect him. They see your feelings as hostile towards him. I can't believe that one of them actually laughed in your face. That doesn't seem like something that a true friend would do. You have every right to feel this way. I've talked to a friend of mine about this very issue and he said that it's natural for you to feel this way and he'd be worried if you didn't because it would show that you have too much compassion for a man that nearly ruined our marriage. You should be proud of yourself for feeling this way. You should see this as an appropriate reaction for a woman who is working hard to rebuild her marriage. I am proud of you. I love you.
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