Chapter Thirteen: Worship That Pleases God

Question: Which is more pleasing to God right now--my public worship or my private worship? What will I do about this?

Answer: I would have to say He's not pleased with either, honestly. I do not worship God like I ought to be. If I had to choose one, I'd say He's happier with my private worship because the past few days I have attempted to talk with him and praise him throughout the day in conversation with him. (Don't worry, this is in my head, not out loud). I did attend church Sunday, and I was very happy to be there. I am hoping to go more often. I know I will go this Sunday due to me being at my parents. What can I do about God being displeased? I think that's obvious. Have more conversations with Him. Thank Him more than complain to Him. Attend church regularly, even if it means being tired on Sundays. I can do this if I truly want to. I just need to give up my selfishness.

Chapter Twelve: Developing Your Friendship With God

*Side note: I told myslef this morning that I was getting up for God. It totally worked. I didn't have a problem at all.

Question: What practical choices will I make today in order to grow closer to God?

Answer: I will talk with Him more throughout the day. I will thank Him for my blessings, and seek His counsel when needed. I will attempt to be a better teacher to my students, mother to my children, and wife to my husband. I will think before I speak. Would God appreciate what I am about to do? To say?

We'll see if it works.

Chapter Eleven: Becoming Best Friends With God

Question: What can I do to remind myself to think about God and talk to him more often throughout the day?

Answer: Other than sticky notes throughout the house, which I think my husband may find a bit odd, I wasn't sure how I could do this. Then I thought of Wagon. Wagon is with God now. He has been for almost two years now. When he passes, his wife gave all of his friends this blue bracelet to wear. It has his favorite saying on it, "I love your face." I think I will start wearing this again. Not only does it comfort me and remind me of my lost Wagon, but it will remind me that Wagon is with God, and then I can remember to think of and speak with God more often. Maybe having a constant reminder will make me start the habit of having a streaming conversation with God like the book suggested. I am excited about seeing if this works.

Chapter Ten: The Heart of Worship

Question: What area of my life am I holding back from God?

Answer: I am holding back my 'free time,' my 'me time.' There are times that I know I need to pray. I know I need to talk with God. I know I need to attend church and worship him. However, I get selfish, and I refuse to give up my fun time. Life is so hectic. There is always something to do. Work, grading, planning, getting the kids ready for school or bed, eating, cleaning, homework. It seems like it never ends and I never have time for just me. I just want to sit on the couch and watch my soap opera, or go to the mall and walk around Target aimlessly. I need to stop being so selfish and give some of this time over to God. I did this today by attending church. I am so glad I went, too. It felt great to read the psalms, sing the songs, and be around people who believed and worshipped. I hope to start attending more regularly.

Chapter Nine: What Makes God Smile?

*Side note: Who knew God smiled?

Question: Since God knows what is best, in what areas of my life do I need to trust Him most?

Answer: This is another easy answer for me, only because I am going through a trying time in this portion of my life. I am a teacher, as I have mentioned before, and there are major budget cuts coming this year. I may lose my job. This is an area of worry for everyone right now in this economic downfall. I need to learn to trust God in this matter. I need to learn to let go and leave it up to Him. He loves me, and He will not give me more than I can handle. He knows exactly what He is doing with my life, and I have to stop thinking I can control that. I know all of these things, but it is still difficult not to worry. This chapter gave me the comfort I had been seeking this past week. God will take care of me and my family. I must trust in this.

Chapter Eight: Planned For God's Pleasure

*Side note: I know I haven't written in the past few days, but I HAVE been reading my assigned chapter each night. I just haven't been able to get down here to the computer to type up my answer to the question. So don't think I've broken my Lenten promise, because I haven't.

Question: What common task could I start doing as if I were doing it directly for Jesus?

Answer: I had to really think about this one. Brush my teeth? Hey, it says common. Drive to work? Eh. I then thought of it. Get out of bed. I am sure I am not the only one that has a problem getting out of bed in the morning. There are many days I lie there and think, "I could call in sick today. No one would know the difference." From now on, when I am lying there, not wanting to get up, I will think to myself, "Do it for Jesus." Wow, that sounds really corny. But it's true. If I am to live my life for Jesus, wouldn't that start with getting out of bed in the morning? I will try this tomorrow morning and see if it helps with my retched case of The Mondays I always seem to catch.

Chapter Seven: The Reason For Everything

Question: Where in my daily routine can I become more aware of God's glory?

Answer: I can become more aware of His glory by simply opening my eyes. Seeing nature around me on my way to work is a start. Instead of cursing the icy roads, I can marvel at the idea of snow, what God created for us. I can watch my children grow, especially CJ as she learns something new everyday. She is a miracle, a miracle created by God for my husband and me. I think by just being more aware, I will start to see more and more of God's glory.

Chapter Six: Life Is A Temporary Assignment

First of all, I would like to add to my previous post. DUH! I am being tested right now by God. My husband's pay was cut by 40%. We are having to readjust how we life completely. In a way, it has made our life better. We are valuing the things in life we should have been all along--time with family. Through God's test, I am learning to love life even more.

Moving on to tonight's chapter.

Question: How should the fact that life on earth is just a temporary assignment change the way I am living right now?

Answer: I need to stop stressing over little issues. At times, I worry about money, especially after the paycut mentioned above. I also push myself a little too hard when it comes to grading and planning for school. Yes, my career matters, but possibly not as much as I emphasize it. I also need to put my desires in check: I don't need all the cutest shoes and the latest fashions. They are trivial when it comes to the bigger picture. God needs to be a much bigger part of my life.

Chapter Five: Seeing Life From God's View

Question: What has happened to me recently that I now realize was a test from God? What are the greatest matters God has entrusted to me?

Answer: I know for sure that God tested me when He took my friend Wagon from this Earth. It was a huge test, and I am sure I failed in many ways, questioning God and even hating Him for some time because Wagon was no longer here. Of course, I came around and now realize that God must have needed Wagon for some higher purpose. Wagon's time was up, and God had other uses for him. However, it is difficult to understand this when you are grieving. I trust that God knows this and was patient with me to return to him.

Trials at work are God's tests as well. Daily, my patience is tested by my students. Some days I do better in response to these tests than others, but I know I am working hard at improving on this.

I think the matters that God has entrusted to me are my children, born to me and not born to me, meaning my two children I gave birth to as well as all my students at school. I am here to help raise them, literally and figuratively.

Chapter Four: Made To Last Forever

Question: Since I was made to last forever, what is the one thing I should stop doing and the one thing I should start doing today?

Answer: I know the one thing I should start doing immediately: praying. I need to start talking to God more often. This needs to be an everyday event, and right now, I only speak to him briefly, maybe once every other day. Maybe even less than that. And I think I ask of Him too much and do not thank Him enough for the blessings he has already given me.

I don't know the one thing I should stop. That's a much more difficult question. I don't think I think lavishly. I don't live recklessly. This chapter spoke of people living with no ramifications, no consequences, and I don't do this. There are things I do I know I should not: my selfishness, my envy, my potty mouth. But what one thing should I stop doing??? I don't think I can answer that question at the moment. Perhaps as I read more of the book, this will come to me. For now, it will have to remain blank.

Chapter Three: What Drives Your Life?

Question: What would my family and friends say is the driving force of my life? What do I want it to be?

Answer: Honestly, this is an easy question for me. I think the answer to both these questions is the same. What drives my life? Two things: my family and my teaching, and I believe my family and friends know this. I live for my two children. They truly are my everything. The reason I get up in the morning, the reason I go to work, the reason I do almost anything that I do is for them. I want to give them a life worth living. I can't say I want to give them a better life than I had, because my childhood was wonderful. I suppose I am attempting to give them the same childhood I had: fun and loving. This shows in my daily life, in my opinion.

The other thing that drives my life is my teaching. I have found my calling in life. It is to teach at-risk teens. I used to think I stumbled upon this calling on accident, but I am beginning to understand that God laid that path out for me long ago. It shocks a lot of people who know and meet me to find out my passion is to teach this troubled youth, but it's undeniable. Yes, they frustrate me. Yes, I have my days where I want to quit and never come back, but every morning I wake up, and I am ready to return and try again. If I don't get through to these kids, if I don't give them a chance, who will?

I know that I would like God to be more of a driving force in my life, and that He is not obviously a big part of it right now, but I am going to work on this. I am a work in progress. He knows this and understands this. And I am starting to wonder if God ISN'T a driving force in my life....is He? Is He a strong force and I just didn't realize it until now????

Chapter Two: You Are Not An Accident

Question: Knowing that God uniquely created me, what areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?

Answer: Well, I'm a woman, so I'd always like to be a few pounds lighter. Tee hee. No, I actually like the way I look. I don't really like my hairstyle right now because I feel it ages me, but I'm working on fixing that. I suppose the author of this book would tell me not to fix it, since this is what God wanted me to look like. Hrm...

I think one of the things I do not like about me is that I am so high maintenance. One would think, "If you know you're high maintenance, then why not fix this and stop being like that?" I've actually tried that. It doesn't work. I am who I am. I can be selfish. Often I am thinking of myself instead of others. I want a lot of things, and when I don't get what I want, I get a bit crabby. Now that my husband took a huge paycut, I am having to deal with not getting my 'wants' anymore. I think I'm handling it well. This chapter has helped me see that God created me to be how I am. He knows I am high maintenance--He planned me this way. It helps to know that I do not have to feel guilty for being me. I will most likely still struggle with acceptance from time to time, but this chapter has shed some light on the fact that we all have our flaws, and this is okay, because God created those flaws specifically for us.

Chapter One: It All Starts With God

Question: In spite of all the advertising around me, how can I remind myself that life is really about living for God, not myself?

Answer: I have no clue. I mean, I've always believed in God, but I have never considered the idea that I am living for Him and not myself. Does that make me selfish? No, I think it makes me human; God knew we wouldn't always be living for Him. But maybe I can start now. I can try at least. I can sacrifice my "fun" time on Sundays in order to attend church. I can stop shying away from the topic of God, especially around my husband. I can take a more active role in teaching my son about my faith. I know these aren't much and definitely are not enough, but they ARE a start.

Lent

I have decided that for Lent, instead of giving something up, I am devoting more time to my relationship with God. Truly, I have no relationship with God right now. Well, I suppose that's a lie. I believe in Him, and I know that he sent his son Jesus Christ to save me from my sins, but that's about all we have right now. I don't attend church, I don't pray. It's sad, really. I think part of this is because my husband is a nonbeliever. I feel it's rude to press my beliefs upon him, but I am starting to realize that I am putting my beliefs aside for my husband, and that's just not right. My husband wouldn't want me to do that, and I am sure God isn't happy with me about it, either.

So....for Lent I am reading A Purpose Driven Life. It is a book that helps you with your relationship with God. There are 40 chapters, and you are supposed to read only one chapter a day. At the end of these chapters, there are questions. I have told myself I will blog my answer to each of these questions. Here's to hoping I stick with it and come out a little bit more enlightened.

Wagon

Today Wagon would be 31. My Wagon would be turning 31 on this gloriously beautiful day. We could be chilling around his pool, trading insults and jokes, laughing hysterically. My little boy should be asking for him to throw him just one more time in the pool. I should be giving him a million and one hugs and telling him Happy Birthday.

But I'm not. I'm sitting here in front of a computer, reading the messages of love on his Facebook page, chatting online with his widow, crying. I am thinking about my larger than life friend who was taken from this Earth way too early. I am missing his smile, his laugh, the wonderful way he looked at me and loudly called, "Eddie!" when I walked in the room.

I look at my daughter, his namesake, and it is bittersweet. She is so adorable, and she's developing a personality now. He would love that. She's learning how to laugh, and I am sure her 'uncle' would have her rolling in laughter if he were here. And he should be. It's not fair. This is not fair. This should not be happening. He's been gone for more than a year, and I still haven't been able to accept that.

I've now cried for the 3rd time today. Ugh. I love you, Wagon. I miss you so very much, and there are times I don't know how I go on without you. I hope you know how much you were loved.