I Want
I just want to feel semi-normal again. I just want to feel a little bit better about myself. Just a little bit. A tiny, teeny, little bit. Is that too much to ask?
Yes, I've made a mistake. Yes, it was a big mistake. But doesn't everyone make mistakes? Isn't that part of being human?
Why is it that everyday, I wake up, and I immediately feel like blowing my brains out. Now don't go calling 911 on me. I'm not that stupid, selfish, or cowardly. I know that I have a few people that love me, and one that desperately depends on me. I couldn't take my son's mother away. But that doesn't mean that the thought semi-appeals to me. I could end the suffering and no longer feel like a piece of dog shit stuck on someone's shoe.
It's not that people are intentionally making me feel this way. No one is calling me names. Except for myself, that is. But little things affect me. The fact that a specific date can send my husband into depression gets to me. The fact that I have to be completely honest and willing to be checked up on at all times gets to me, especially since my husband can hide things from me in order to protect me. Isn't that a bit hypocritical?
Look, I know I've done wrong, but there's nothing I can do about that. I can't go back and undo it. I can't make it all disappear. But does that mean I should have to live feeling like a whore? Like a betrayer? Like a worthless waste of human space? And if so, for how long? I really feel like much more of this will spin me into insanity, if I'm not already there.
I just want my life back. I just want to be me for a little bit. Just a small, tiny, teeny little while. Really, is that too much to ask?
Yes, I've made a mistake. Yes, it was a big mistake. But doesn't everyone make mistakes? Isn't that part of being human?
Why is it that everyday, I wake up, and I immediately feel like blowing my brains out. Now don't go calling 911 on me. I'm not that stupid, selfish, or cowardly. I know that I have a few people that love me, and one that desperately depends on me. I couldn't take my son's mother away. But that doesn't mean that the thought semi-appeals to me. I could end the suffering and no longer feel like a piece of dog shit stuck on someone's shoe.
It's not that people are intentionally making me feel this way. No one is calling me names. Except for myself, that is. But little things affect me. The fact that a specific date can send my husband into depression gets to me. The fact that I have to be completely honest and willing to be checked up on at all times gets to me, especially since my husband can hide things from me in order to protect me. Isn't that a bit hypocritical?
Look, I know I've done wrong, but there's nothing I can do about that. I can't go back and undo it. I can't make it all disappear. But does that mean I should have to live feeling like a whore? Like a betrayer? Like a worthless waste of human space? And if so, for how long? I really feel like much more of this will spin me into insanity, if I'm not already there.
I just want my life back. I just want to be me for a little bit. Just a small, tiny, teeny little while. Really, is that too much to ask?
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