Royally Pissed
I need to vent. I just need to get all this shit that is bouncing around in my brain right now OUT or I will explode.
Today, D (the man with whom I had an affair---wow, that was really English-y, oh well) came into my classroom and asked "Have a minute to talk?" I answer, "We really shouldn't be talking." But what does he do? He just goes right along with his damn story. Did I not just say we shouldn't be talking? Does he even care about what I need right now? Why even ask the fucking question if you're going to talk anyway?
So he tells me about last night. He and his girlfriend (who doesn't know about the affair) went to Best Buy to see her brother. There, they met a man that works for the girlfriend's brother. What's the big deal? The man is actually Wagon, one of my close friends. In fact, I am in his wedding this September. So of course D freaks because his girlfriend is right there beside him, and he realizes this man knows that he slept with me, cheating on Wagon's supervisor's sister. D didn't know that Wagon had no idea who he was until later that night when talking to his fiancee.
Why am I pissed? So many reasons. For one, he referenced Friends. There is an episode in Friends where Ross 'cheats' on Rachel (they were on a break), and he has to run around the next morning covering his tracks to make sure Rachel doesn't find out. How is this similar? I don't know, because Ross slept with a random stranger who he had no feelings for whatsoever and he immediately regretted the action. Unless....was I a random person who is now regretted? The rational side of my brain tells me no, D's just a man and said something without thinking. But still...it hurts.
Then there's the curiousity of why he cares that much if the affair comes out. Throughout the entire affair, he implied that he and the gf really didn't have much in common, he didn't have as much feeling for her and she did for him, and that it would never last. He made the comment several times that he wouldn't marry her. So why so upset if it comes to light? Could it be that he wasn't being honest with me about his feelings for her? That hurts worse than the above reason for pissiness, mostly because I was always honest with him. I never told him I didn't love my husband; in fact, I often DID tell him that I loved my husband and was totally confused. I told him that I wasn't leaving my family. I lamented over how much it was going to hurt my husband should he ever find out. Never once did he share the same ideas. Was he lying the entire time? And if so, was he lying about how he felt for me? Was he just trying to get laid, like most men?
Of course then there's the fact that he continues to find reasons to talk to me. I know it's difficult. It's hard for me, too. But when I tell him we shouldn't be talking, shouldn't he take the high road and leave? This wasn't life or death. He didn't need a fucking kidney. So why disrespect my wishes like that?
The biggest reason I'm so utterly flabbergasted with irateness is that he tells me he's worried about his gf finding out when I'm going through Hell because my husband found out. Awww, boo fucking hoo. Your gf that you see two to three times a week might find out you slept with another woman. Well cry your eyes out somewhere else, bucko. My HUSBAND found out. My husband who has been by my side for almost eight years, married for five of those, found out about my betrayal and it almost killed him. It has killed us, at least, what was us. We will never be the same. Ever. He will never trust me the same as he did before. Ever. I must live the rest of my life with my husband knowing I slept with another man. I have enough drama in my life, and Derek waltzes in all worried about his gf finding out the truth? Fucking man up and tell her. Jesus! Why bother me with that problem? Am I supposed to feel bad for him that his gf's brother is my friend's supervisor? Am I supposed to rush home and beg and plead for Wagon not to say a thing? Am I supposed to feel guilty for what happened because I might break up a relationship that I was told was doomed months ago?????
FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so livid right now, I don't even know what to say or how to act. I am so livid, and so very hurt. How many times can this man hurt me? How many times can I let him into my heart just to be trampled on? Why can't I see his selfishness for what it is? Why do I continually let him (and other people) walk all over me? He called to say he was sorry at the end of the day, and then asked "Forgiven?" What?? What the fuck!?!? So you get to be a completely selfish asshole, say 'sorry,' and then all is forgiven and forgotten? NO! NO that is NOT how it works.
I just want this to end. I don't want to leave my job, but it looks like it is the only way for me to stay sane and out of jail, because right now, I just feel like beating the shit out of him.
Today, D (the man with whom I had an affair---wow, that was really English-y, oh well) came into my classroom and asked "Have a minute to talk?" I answer, "We really shouldn't be talking." But what does he do? He just goes right along with his damn story. Did I not just say we shouldn't be talking? Does he even care about what I need right now? Why even ask the fucking question if you're going to talk anyway?
So he tells me about last night. He and his girlfriend (who doesn't know about the affair) went to Best Buy to see her brother. There, they met a man that works for the girlfriend's brother. What's the big deal? The man is actually Wagon, one of my close friends. In fact, I am in his wedding this September. So of course D freaks because his girlfriend is right there beside him, and he realizes this man knows that he slept with me, cheating on Wagon's supervisor's sister. D didn't know that Wagon had no idea who he was until later that night when talking to his fiancee.
Why am I pissed? So many reasons. For one, he referenced Friends. There is an episode in Friends where Ross 'cheats' on Rachel (they were on a break), and he has to run around the next morning covering his tracks to make sure Rachel doesn't find out. How is this similar? I don't know, because Ross slept with a random stranger who he had no feelings for whatsoever and he immediately regretted the action. Unless....was I a random person who is now regretted? The rational side of my brain tells me no, D's just a man and said something without thinking. But still...it hurts.
Then there's the curiousity of why he cares that much if the affair comes out. Throughout the entire affair, he implied that he and the gf really didn't have much in common, he didn't have as much feeling for her and she did for him, and that it would never last. He made the comment several times that he wouldn't marry her. So why so upset if it comes to light? Could it be that he wasn't being honest with me about his feelings for her? That hurts worse than the above reason for pissiness, mostly because I was always honest with him. I never told him I didn't love my husband; in fact, I often DID tell him that I loved my husband and was totally confused. I told him that I wasn't leaving my family. I lamented over how much it was going to hurt my husband should he ever find out. Never once did he share the same ideas. Was he lying the entire time? And if so, was he lying about how he felt for me? Was he just trying to get laid, like most men?
Of course then there's the fact that he continues to find reasons to talk to me. I know it's difficult. It's hard for me, too. But when I tell him we shouldn't be talking, shouldn't he take the high road and leave? This wasn't life or death. He didn't need a fucking kidney. So why disrespect my wishes like that?
The biggest reason I'm so utterly flabbergasted with irateness is that he tells me he's worried about his gf finding out when I'm going through Hell because my husband found out. Awww, boo fucking hoo. Your gf that you see two to three times a week might find out you slept with another woman. Well cry your eyes out somewhere else, bucko. My HUSBAND found out. My husband who has been by my side for almost eight years, married for five of those, found out about my betrayal and it almost killed him. It has killed us, at least, what was us. We will never be the same. Ever. He will never trust me the same as he did before. Ever. I must live the rest of my life with my husband knowing I slept with another man. I have enough drama in my life, and Derek waltzes in all worried about his gf finding out the truth? Fucking man up and tell her. Jesus! Why bother me with that problem? Am I supposed to feel bad for him that his gf's brother is my friend's supervisor? Am I supposed to rush home and beg and plead for Wagon not to say a thing? Am I supposed to feel guilty for what happened because I might break up a relationship that I was told was doomed months ago?????
FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so livid right now, I don't even know what to say or how to act. I am so livid, and so very hurt. How many times can this man hurt me? How many times can I let him into my heart just to be trampled on? Why can't I see his selfishness for what it is? Why do I continually let him (and other people) walk all over me? He called to say he was sorry at the end of the day, and then asked "Forgiven?" What?? What the fuck!?!? So you get to be a completely selfish asshole, say 'sorry,' and then all is forgiven and forgotten? NO! NO that is NOT how it works.
I just want this to end. I don't want to leave my job, but it looks like it is the only way for me to stay sane and out of jail, because right now, I just feel like beating the shit out of him.
1 Comments:
Hooray for you for finally seeing him the way I have for 3 years. He has not changed one bit. This is the same thing he has done to you in the past, many, many times. What happened when he accused you of sexual harassment? You were pissed for a long time, but let him back in. What happened when you realized he was using you through his divorce? You were pissed but you let him back in. I think the difference now is that you finally recognize his ways and his intentions and will NEVER let him back in. EVER!!! He can come across all charming, but he's using that facade to satisfy his own selfishness. The fact that you now realize this is of paramount importance. This marks the time in our history together where you recognize that a person is using you and you actually DO something about it. You are finally putting YOURSELF first for once. I say this is clearly a huge victory for you and is also a life changing event. I am excited to see you using this to help yourself and make yourself a better person. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!
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