Guilty and In a Hurry
Have you ever felt so guilty about something that you feel like you should just go up into the mountains somewhere and banish yourself from your friends and family? That you don't deserve any comforts in life, especially love and affection? That's how I feel. And feeling that way just makes me feel even more guilty.
I cheated on my husband. I know, give me a Scarlet A and let me sew it to my dress and walk the earth forever letting everyone know what a whore I am, right?
I cheated on my husband, and I hurt him forever. He will never forget this heinous betrayal, and I'm not sure he'll ever be able to forgive me, either. See, this was the 3rd time I have been close with this other man. The first time, it was an emotional affair that ended in nothing but a kiss. The second time I don't really count, but of course my husband sees it as an affair (and right he should). That time was more of a friendship affair. I was hurting, and I turned to him for comfort when I should have been turning to my husband. Nothing whatsoever happened. This time, I allowed the emotional relationship to rekindle, and it ended in us sleeping together.
My husband did not truly catch us. He saw one email, but I came forward immediately. He screamed and he cried and he said it was over, and he even threatened to take our little boy away from us. He was just reacting at that point. He was lashing out, trying to hurt me as much as I had hurt him. The sad thing is, that's not possible.
At times in the days afterwards, I regretted telling the truth. I wish I had lied so I didn't have to feel this burning hatred in my heart. I wouldn't have to see the daggers coming from my husband's eyes. I wouldn't want to die from humiliation and guilt. But I know that I did the right thing. I told the truth. I gave our family one last chance.
But it isn't easy. It isn't easy seeing the loathing in my husband's eyes at times. It isn't easy when he pulls his hand away from mine because he's once again thinking about the horrid act I committed. And it's definitely not easy when he says we can't got to a movie since the other man and I went to a movie. My life has completely flipped upside down, and I have to learn to deal with it. Now I have nowhere safe. At work, I have to see this man I had an affair with. I have to feel the shame that I have brought upon myself every time I walk past him. I have to lose a friend. I have to be at a place that is very scary and unsafe and have no one. My best friend no longer works there, and now I am left very alone. Then I come home, and I have to be reminded of the evilness that resides within me. I have to be reminded that my husband and I are not doing well, that we have years of healing ahead of us, that my dream of being a mother once again is put on hold indefinitely.
But through all this pain and guilt, I feel even more guilt pressing down upon me. How DARE I be upset that I have to endure this. How DARE I feel bad for myself. I am the one that cheated. I am the one that caused all this turmoil. I deserve to feel this pain, this guilt, this retched knot in my stomach at all times. I deserve the tremendous pain in my shoulder that I have been told in the past is a "stress knot." It's my fault, my burden to carry. And having no one to comfort me? Just one of the many consequences I must face. I teach my students daily that they have 'choices and consequences.' Why should I be any different? I made a choice. This is my consequence. The pathetic thing is that I saw it. I saw the end before it began, and I could have changed it. But I didn't. I just enjoyed the present ride I was one, not thinking about where it would lead to.
So here I am, guilty and in a hurry to not be. What a fucking bitch I can be.
I cheated on my husband. I know, give me a Scarlet A and let me sew it to my dress and walk the earth forever letting everyone know what a whore I am, right?
I cheated on my husband, and I hurt him forever. He will never forget this heinous betrayal, and I'm not sure he'll ever be able to forgive me, either. See, this was the 3rd time I have been close with this other man. The first time, it was an emotional affair that ended in nothing but a kiss. The second time I don't really count, but of course my husband sees it as an affair (and right he should). That time was more of a friendship affair. I was hurting, and I turned to him for comfort when I should have been turning to my husband. Nothing whatsoever happened. This time, I allowed the emotional relationship to rekindle, and it ended in us sleeping together.
My husband did not truly catch us. He saw one email, but I came forward immediately. He screamed and he cried and he said it was over, and he even threatened to take our little boy away from us. He was just reacting at that point. He was lashing out, trying to hurt me as much as I had hurt him. The sad thing is, that's not possible.
At times in the days afterwards, I regretted telling the truth. I wish I had lied so I didn't have to feel this burning hatred in my heart. I wouldn't have to see the daggers coming from my husband's eyes. I wouldn't want to die from humiliation and guilt. But I know that I did the right thing. I told the truth. I gave our family one last chance.
But it isn't easy. It isn't easy seeing the loathing in my husband's eyes at times. It isn't easy when he pulls his hand away from mine because he's once again thinking about the horrid act I committed. And it's definitely not easy when he says we can't got to a movie since the other man and I went to a movie. My life has completely flipped upside down, and I have to learn to deal with it. Now I have nowhere safe. At work, I have to see this man I had an affair with. I have to feel the shame that I have brought upon myself every time I walk past him. I have to lose a friend. I have to be at a place that is very scary and unsafe and have no one. My best friend no longer works there, and now I am left very alone. Then I come home, and I have to be reminded of the evilness that resides within me. I have to be reminded that my husband and I are not doing well, that we have years of healing ahead of us, that my dream of being a mother once again is put on hold indefinitely.
But through all this pain and guilt, I feel even more guilt pressing down upon me. How DARE I be upset that I have to endure this. How DARE I feel bad for myself. I am the one that cheated. I am the one that caused all this turmoil. I deserve to feel this pain, this guilt, this retched knot in my stomach at all times. I deserve the tremendous pain in my shoulder that I have been told in the past is a "stress knot." It's my fault, my burden to carry. And having no one to comfort me? Just one of the many consequences I must face. I teach my students daily that they have 'choices and consequences.' Why should I be any different? I made a choice. This is my consequence. The pathetic thing is that I saw it. I saw the end before it began, and I could have changed it. But I didn't. I just enjoyed the present ride I was one, not thinking about where it would lead to.
So here I am, guilty and in a hurry to not be. What a fucking bitch I can be.
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