Friday, July 20, 2007

No Go

We have decided that I should not take the job at the Children's Home. It's just too big of a pay cut. We are afraid that we will no longer fight about D and the affair, but we will now fight about the lack of money. We also realize what huge sacrifices we would have to make in our marriage, like extra trips, eating out, and postponing or even canceling the thought of having another child. We are not ready for that.

I was really relieved to find that my husband was quite hesitant about the move, just like me. I feared that he would think I was using the money issue to avoid leaving my current place of work. He was so supportive and understanding, and I do not know how he does it. I knew he loved me, but I had no idea to what extent.

I have another interview on Monday for an alternative school near my house. I am excited about the prospect, but also sad. Yes, my current place of work is going through chaos right now, but it still upsets me to think of leaving. Those kids really need me. I actually do good there. Some actually leave better young men, and part of that is because of me.

And then there's the staff. Good God we have to hilarious people there. I will miss the wonderful camaraderie I have there with several of them, some more than others of course. I think when I imagine leaving, that is what saddens me the most. It's not the job itself because I know I am destined to work with at-risk youth, and that is why God placed me on this earth. He would not open my eyes the my gift and then take it away. I will find somewhere to help these kids. But I am not sure I will find the friendships that I have found at my job. Maybe friendships is the wrong word, since I do not associate with them outside of work, but I cannot think of what else to call them. They are---comfortable. They are supportive. They are always there for each other in a time of need. I can remember days when I was on the verge of tears for one reason or another, and there was always somebody there to offer me a tissue or rub my back. I am not sure I will find another group of such tight-knit people. I will move on, and I will have good relationships with my new coworkers, but I will never bond with them like I have bonded with the people I work with now. I will truly miss them.....

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