Things

So....I am still hurt about what my friend said about me. I still feel that I have never been in her 'inner circle,' and now that I've said some hurtful things in frustration (yes, I know, no excuse), there is no way to break inside that circle. She told me there were things she expected out of her inner circle friends, and I felt like it was a test. Like I have to prove myself to her. I thought friendship was unconditional. Apparently not....at least not on her side. Ironic...there are things she has said and done in the past that hurt me to the core, but after discussion, she was fully forgiven. She was never 'pushed out of the inner circle' of my life. Yet when I mess up, I must again pass all the tests and walk over hot coals in order to earn my way back into the friendship. But then she sends me wonderful texts about how much I am loved and how I need to gain some self-confidence. What? I am so confused. All I can understand are my emotions, and I am still hurt and feel unworthy. I don't like that feeling.

So why do I continue on this path? Because I love and adore her. I continue the roller coaster ride because the highs are really high. I continue because the good times are so unbelievable fantastic. So I guess it's just waiting time. I sit and see what happens in the future. And in the meantime, I keep my mouth completely closed.