April Sucks
I know this title is not very eloquent, but I cannot think of a more fitting title. April really does suck. And it blows. I am so glad it is almost over.
14 year ago on this date, my innocence (and virginity) was ripped away from me by my 'loving' boyfriend. My nightmares are basically gone (I only have them once or twice a year) and I rarely even think of that time in my life. Time and therapy are great healers. However, it still affects me. I guess I was acting differently yesterday because my husband kept asking me if something was wrong. I would respond that no, I was fine because I really didn't think anything was wrong, but apparently it was affecting me in some way. I cannot expect my husband to remember this date. He has his own demons to face during this month.
Tomorrow marks the date of when my husband found out about my affair. It almost ripped my family apart, causing me to lose my husband completely and lost my son for half of the month. I still do not know how we made it through this, but we did, and I am very grateful. However, I cannot help but notice the change in my husband's mood during this time of year. I wonder if it will always be this way, even 10 or 15 years from now. Those are the consequences I must face, and I must remind myself that at least we are still together.
Then there is my best friend. She was sexually attacked on April 5th of last year at the prison facility where we both worked. Thankfully, we both have escaped that horrible place of employment since then. But her scars are still there. They are still very real. They will be for some time. I wish I could hold her through all her nightmares and unsure times, but I cannot. The only thing I can do is offer to be here for her when she needs to scream or cry.
And of course, through my past posts you have learned, a good friend of mine passed away unexpectedly on April 6th. Can this month get any worse? Now I fear what next April will bring. It's like something has to be added to the mountain of fear, hurt, and guilt each time this month comes round. I am tired of feeling this way.
Bring on May.
14 year ago on this date, my innocence (and virginity) was ripped away from me by my 'loving' boyfriend. My nightmares are basically gone (I only have them once or twice a year) and I rarely even think of that time in my life. Time and therapy are great healers. However, it still affects me. I guess I was acting differently yesterday because my husband kept asking me if something was wrong. I would respond that no, I was fine because I really didn't think anything was wrong, but apparently it was affecting me in some way. I cannot expect my husband to remember this date. He has his own demons to face during this month.
Tomorrow marks the date of when my husband found out about my affair. It almost ripped my family apart, causing me to lose my husband completely and lost my son for half of the month. I still do not know how we made it through this, but we did, and I am very grateful. However, I cannot help but notice the change in my husband's mood during this time of year. I wonder if it will always be this way, even 10 or 15 years from now. Those are the consequences I must face, and I must remind myself that at least we are still together.
Then there is my best friend. She was sexually attacked on April 5th of last year at the prison facility where we both worked. Thankfully, we both have escaped that horrible place of employment since then. But her scars are still there. They are still very real. They will be for some time. I wish I could hold her through all her nightmares and unsure times, but I cannot. The only thing I can do is offer to be here for her when she needs to scream or cry.
And of course, through my past posts you have learned, a good friend of mine passed away unexpectedly on April 6th. Can this month get any worse? Now I fear what next April will bring. It's like something has to be added to the mountain of fear, hurt, and guilt each time this month comes round. I am tired of feeling this way.
Bring on May.
1 Comments:
For me it will always be November that sucks. This year will mark two years past discovery for me. And my husband still is affected, not just that month but in so many situations. Good luck, May is here!
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