Hurt But Healing

I went to church this morning. I woke up late and had to rush to make it, but I am very glad I did. It made me realize that I will never be alone. God is by my side through everything I do, and He will never desert me. He will always love me unconditionally.

I've been thinking a lot today. I have been questioning myself on habits of mine. Why do I put so much stock into what other people think of me? Why does it matter what they think of me? Why do I allow someone else to alter my mood? Even worse, why do I allow someone else to alter my vision of myself? How can I give one person so much control over me? Especially when this person does not see me as an important part of their life. This person has implied that when I speak, I will not be listened to. This person has implied that my words mean nothing, yet my words caused much damage as well. How can this be? And if I will no longer be listened to, if I am not important enough to be listened to, why speak? Why ever say anything again? Is this a friendship at all?

I have never felt good enough. I have never felt like I loved hard enough, that I was open-minded enough. I have never felt like I fit in. So why keep trying? Why should I allow myself to feel this rejection over and over again? Why not jump off the roller coaster now, while it's slow enough that I wouldn't get too hurt?

I do not deserve to feel inferior. I do not deserve to always be the one apologizing and to never receive an apology. I do not deserve to question myself so often just to call myself a friend, when truly, I'm no more than an acquaintance. Someone in the past that used to be fun to hang with, and is no longer of any substance in another's life.

My husband loves me. My son loves me. God loves me. I'm good just where I am. I need no others.