No Success

How am I to be successful with letting go of anger when the source of my anger just keeps adding to the pile?

Yesterday, D was an insensitive jerk. What's new, right? I should be used to him saying off-the-cuff things, right? Well, there are certain things I can let slide (like saying I have dandruff, or assuming I cannot handle an unruly student on my own (and why the fuck is he suddenly insulting me??)), and then there are things I just fume about for days, maybe weeks. This is definitely one of them.

I was in my classroom talking to Piggie (he's my male chauvinist friend who is seemingly trying to break away from his piggish ways, but I still call him Piggie, because down deep, he'll always be a bit horn-doggish) and D comes to the door. Piggie, being a forgetful doofus, asks if it's okay if he invites D in. I yell "NO!" Piggie opens the door and leaves, and D yells in, "Her words are saying no, but she really means yes."

Yes, folks, D actually said that. He actually said that in front of a woman. In front of a woman who has been raped. In front of a woman who has been raped, knowing she still has flashes and troubles dealing with the incident.

I immediately had shivers all over my body, and my hands began to shake. I had to walk things off, and run to the bathroom so the tears wouldn't come in front of others. I held it together, but Piggie asked later what was wrong, and I lost it. I just went off. "HOW COULD HE!?" I yelled. "HOW COULD HE SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF ME!?!" Of course Piggie jumps to D's defense (they're best friends, and face it, guys have to stick up for other guys) and says "He didn't mean it that way." Oh, well that makes it all okay. Flashbacks are so manageable because D didn't mean it. Whatever! The fact remains that he knows I am sensitive when it comes to this issue, yet he's not careful. And honestly, I don't think he should have to be careful; something like that should NEVER be said in front of a woman. Statements and beliefs like those are what leads to rape in the first place. When a woman says no, she means no. Every time, fucker!

Then today, I am sitting in the lunchroom, eating my lunch with a couple other coworkers. I avoid D, and only eat in the lunchroom when I know he won't be in there. In he walks, and where does he sit? Not at the opposite end of the table where there was an open spot. RIGHT ACROSS FROM ME! There was a seat available away from me, but he sat in front of me. Does he thrive in making me uncomfortable? Does he enjoy making me squirm?

I just don't get it. Here is a man that professed his love for me. A man who dreamed of a future with me. And now he's consistently causing anger, confusion, and animosity within me, and it feels to me that he enjoys every fucking minute of it. I was dreading leaving my job, but now I'm praying for an out. I cannot deal with this shit anymore.

Letting It Go

Life is short. You hear people say that all the time, but you never really take it to heart. I am going to try to do just that more often.

I have been very upset and angry lately, and I don't like it. I don't like who I am when I am upset or angry. I don't like how I act. My nickname wasn't Smiles in college for no reason. I am usually happy-go-lucky, compassionate, crazy, energetic, and spunky Smiles. Lately, I've been "rollercoaster Smiles," and I hate it. I don't like being depressed. I don't like not smiling. It's actually difficult for me not to smile.

So be gone, anger! So I got hurt. So what? So I was lied to. So what? Let it go. Is holding onto this animosity going to make the pain go away? Nope. Is conjuring up hatred (too strong of a word, but can't think of a suitable replacement....oooh....resentment....yea, that's it) going to make things better for me? For my husband? For my family? No, it won't. I believe it will actually make things worse, because I'm making myself someone I'm not. That's not healthy. And it's not healthy to feel this anger so much. So I'm letting it go.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not forgetting. I know what happened. I know I was deceived. I was manipulated. Hell, I'm sure I did some manipulating myself. And I won't forget how much I am hurting now because of my choices. I won't forget what put me into this predicament. But I can let go of the anger and still remember these things. I can still acknowledge what I did wrong without being so pissed all the time. At myself. At my husband. At D.

So there you go. No more anger. Just resilience. It's the new me. Let's try this Smiles on for size for a bit, and let's pray she fits.

Confusing Emotions

Today I experienced (am experiencing) confusing emotions. There are feelings rushing throughout my body that I don't understand. It's difficult to put a label on them, and I don't know why I am feeling the way I am.

I found out today, after worrying this weekend about what would happen between D and his gf, that I had worried for nothing. The gf's brother told her what happened, but she assumed that this was three years ago, and she wants to move on, forgive, and forget. When I heard this I was upset. Angry. Disappointed. And I don't know why.

Am I disappointed that he will not be hurting the same way I am hurting? God, I hope not. I do not wish harm on the man. I wish harm only on a few select people, and trust me, they deserve it. Yes, this man has hurt me in the past, but I still do not wish to see him hurt. So why am I disappointed that the gf is so forgiving? Am I jealous of her? Or am I jealous that he gets off scott-free when I am left to face the consequences?

I am also still angry. I have gotten over the stupid idea that I am regretted. I knew that was just me overreacting in the first place. But I am still angry that he was/is worried about the gf discovering the affair. He told me over and over again how he didn't care for her 'the way he should.' His words, not mine. I asked him once if he loved her. He said "Not like I should." We talked often of their relationship and where it was going. Each conversation was him telling me how he didn't see it moving forward. He told me that she is unwilling to move, and due to his daughter, he could not move to her. Hell, he had me convincing him to move in with her for half a week, and live on his own for the other half. I talked to him about how after a year or so of this, she would be so madly in love with him that she would make the sacrifice to move away from family and in with him. He continued to negate all this, saying that he just couldn't see himself with her. He even made the comment of how he'd be surprised if they lasted past June. Yet now he is distraught with the thought of the relationship ending. I'm not upset that he is in a loving relationship. I am angry that he lied to me about it. Don't tell me that he just happened to find 'true love' with her in the past six weeks. That's a crock. If it's love, it was love before, which means he lied to me. Again. AGAIN people. How many times will he do this?????

My friends tell me I have no right to be angry or upset. One friend even laughed in my face (literally, and very loudly) when I told him that D should 'man up and just tell her.' He pointed out that I would never have told my husband. Maybe he's right. But I also never lied to D about my husband. My feelings for him were true enough to not lie about something so important. I was not deceiving D. But now it seems as if he were deceiving me. And that just stabs at me. So maybe I shouldn't be angry, but I have a right to what I feel, misplaced anger or not. I am angry, and I own that anger, and I have every right in the world to do so.

Royally Pissed

I need to vent. I just need to get all this shit that is bouncing around in my brain right now OUT or I will explode.

Today, D (the man with whom I had an affair---wow, that was really English-y, oh well) came into my classroom and asked "Have a minute to talk?" I answer, "We really shouldn't be talking." But what does he do? He just goes right along with his damn story. Did I not just say we shouldn't be talking? Does he even care about what I need right now? Why even ask the fucking question if you're going to talk anyway?

So he tells me about last night. He and his girlfriend (who doesn't know about the affair) went to Best Buy to see her brother. There, they met a man that works for the girlfriend's brother. What's the big deal? The man is actually Wagon, one of my close friends. In fact, I am in his wedding this September. So of course D freaks because his girlfriend is right there beside him, and he realizes this man knows that he slept with me, cheating on Wagon's supervisor's sister. D didn't know that Wagon had no idea who he was until later that night when talking to his fiancee.

Why am I pissed? So many reasons. For one, he referenced Friends. There is an episode in Friends where Ross 'cheats' on Rachel (they were on a break), and he has to run around the next morning covering his tracks to make sure Rachel doesn't find out. How is this similar? I don't know, because Ross slept with a random stranger who he had no feelings for whatsoever and he immediately regretted the action. Unless....was I a random person who is now regretted? The rational side of my brain tells me no, D's just a man and said something without thinking. But still...it hurts.

Then there's the curiousity of why he cares that much if the affair comes out. Throughout the entire affair, he implied that he and the gf really didn't have much in common, he didn't have as much feeling for her and she did for him, and that it would never last. He made the comment several times that he wouldn't marry her. So why so upset if it comes to light? Could it be that he wasn't being honest with me about his feelings for her? That hurts worse than the above reason for pissiness, mostly because I was always honest with him. I never told him I didn't love my husband; in fact, I often DID tell him that I loved my husband and was totally confused. I told him that I wasn't leaving my family. I lamented over how much it was going to hurt my husband should he ever find out. Never once did he share the same ideas. Was he lying the entire time? And if so, was he lying about how he felt for me? Was he just trying to get laid, like most men?

Of course then there's the fact that he continues to find reasons to talk to me. I know it's difficult. It's hard for me, too. But when I tell him we shouldn't be talking, shouldn't he take the high road and leave? This wasn't life or death. He didn't need a fucking kidney. So why disrespect my wishes like that?

The biggest reason I'm so utterly flabbergasted with irateness is that he tells me he's worried about his gf finding out when I'm going through Hell because my husband found out. Awww, boo fucking hoo. Your gf that you see two to three times a week might find out you slept with another woman. Well cry your eyes out somewhere else, bucko. My HUSBAND found out. My husband who has been by my side for almost eight years, married for five of those, found out about my betrayal and it almost killed him. It has killed us, at least, what was us. We will never be the same. Ever. He will never trust me the same as he did before. Ever. I must live the rest of my life with my husband knowing I slept with another man. I have enough drama in my life, and Derek waltzes in all worried about his gf finding out the truth? Fucking man up and tell her. Jesus! Why bother me with that problem? Am I supposed to feel bad for him that his gf's brother is my friend's supervisor? Am I supposed to rush home and beg and plead for Wagon not to say a thing? Am I supposed to feel guilty for what happened because I might break up a relationship that I was told was doomed months ago?????

FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so livid right now, I don't even know what to say or how to act. I am so livid, and so very hurt. How many times can this man hurt me? How many times can I let him into my heart just to be trampled on? Why can't I see his selfishness for what it is? Why do I continually let him (and other people) walk all over me? He called to say he was sorry at the end of the day, and then asked "Forgiven?" What?? What the fuck!?!? So you get to be a completely selfish asshole, say 'sorry,' and then all is forgiven and forgotten? NO! NO that is NOT how it works.

I just want this to end. I don't want to leave my job, but it looks like it is the only way for me to stay sane and out of jail, because right now, I just feel like beating the shit out of him.

Humiliation vs Affirmation

I now have proof that I am not diseased. I feel that I had proof before this, but my husband did not. He wanted it in writing from a doctor.

I know I needed to get tested to attempt to regain trust from my husband. I know this was one of those 'gifts' my therapist spoke of that I could give to him and start to rebuild. But it still felt like a dig. A very big dig.

It humiliated me, having to go in and explain to a nurse practitioner that I had an affair and needed to be tested for STDs. And my husband knew it humiliated me. And no matter how much he denies it, a small part of him (or maybe not so small) delighted in this fact. Maybe delighted isn't the correct word, but he felt some type of joy or happiness in making me do this. It was a small way to 'get back at me.'

So here I am, confirmed to be disease-less. Flippin yee-ha. It's what I knew all along but could not be believed enough to value.

Not So Needed

My son turned 2 Friday. 2! My little boy is 2 years old. He is no longer a baby. He's not longer my baby boy. It is amazing to see him learning on a daily basis, and I love every moment of it, but it's still difficult to swallow.

Time is going so fast. I can still remember getting up at 1AM, then again at 3AM, then again at 5AM to feed him when he was only a few months old. Though that time was very difficult and draining for me, it was also wonderful. He was completely dependent on me. I provided something for my son that no one else could provide. I knew that he needed me.

Now what? Does he truly need me? Of course he does, just not in the same way. But I kinda miss that ultimate neediness. Maybe it's because I like to feel needed. Maybe it's because I want another child and know that I cannot have on anytime soon. Who knows.

I love my baby boy, even if he's not a baby anymore. He's the most adorable creature on the face of the planet.

ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!

I don't even know what to say. I really don't. I'm just so.....shitty.

Why is it that because I cheated on my husband, he gets to make me feel like shit? Why is it that because I did a bad thing to him, he gets to do many bad things to me too? And how long does he have this right? It's been five and a half weeks since he found out. Does he get five and a half more weeks? Does he get five and a half more months? How about years?

What ever happened to two wrongs don't make a right?

Did you know that it's totally okay to eavesdrop on your spouse's conversations? Yep. I didn't know that until tonight. It's okay if that's the only way you can find out how your spouse truly feels. Reasoning? Because your spouse is doing something wrong by not telling her feelings, so eavesdropping is almost expected. Maybe it should be exalted. So if your spouse has done something wrong, you're totally fine doing something wrong as well. Justified. AND, get this. You don't have to apologize for it. In fact, you can make your spouse feel like it's HER fault for you doing something wrong.

I really don't know how much more of this I can take. I love my husband. I truly do, though I am sure he doubts that at times. I understand why he would. I did a wretched, horrible thing. But how many times can I say that I've done a wretched, horrible thing and not want to tear my eyes out? How many times can I be made to feel like shit before I completely break? Hell, I think I might have broken already. I already want to apologize for anything and everything that comes up, even though the very core of me is fighting it. I already punch myself repeatedly in the legs out of frustration. What is the next step? How will I try to escape next?

I just want to not be wrong for once. I want a mistake to either be both of ours, or just his, whichever it may happen to be. I want for everything to stop being blamed on me. I want to feel like I have a shred of dignity, or maybe an ounce of worth. Just an ounce. Is that too much to ask for?