Accepting Help
Friday was not a good day for me. In fact, it was a retched day. If you haven't noticed the title of my blog, look up. Yea. The World Through the Eyes of Smiles. My nickname in college was Smiles. There is a reason for that. For the most part, I am a very happy person. Even when I'm not, I can fake it quite well. Only a few choice people can see through my charade and realize something is wrong. I've come to realize this is because I don't want to let people in.
I have a very hard time accepting help from others. This affects all parts of my life. Professionally, I want to seem put-together. I want to seem like I know it all, and I can handle anything thrown at me. I go into work at least twenty minutes early every day, and I stay late almost every afternoon, sometimes for over an hour. I won't even let other people grade my students' papers. I'm afraid they "won't do it right." In actuality, I fear that they'll find a better, faster way to do it and make me look incompentent.
Personally, I reject help as well. I have finally figured out why. It makes me feel weak. If I accept help, that means I needed it. If I need help, that means I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. If I'm not strong enough, that means I'm weak. I don't want to be weak, and I certainly don't want others to view me as such. I was weak years and years ago, and all it led to was horrid experiences that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Those experiences broke me, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I was a crippled young girl who held no hope, other than to end her own life and therefore end the suffering. If I show weakness now, I fear becoming that defective young girl once again.
But I must break free of this fear. I am safe now. That was 13 years ago. 13 years is a very long time. It was a lifetime ago. I am not the same person anymore, and I never will be. I need to learn to deal with rough times and allow those reaching out to me to catch me when I'm falling.
Please don't give up on me. I'll get there, with your help.
I have a very hard time accepting help from others. This affects all parts of my life. Professionally, I want to seem put-together. I want to seem like I know it all, and I can handle anything thrown at me. I go into work at least twenty minutes early every day, and I stay late almost every afternoon, sometimes for over an hour. I won't even let other people grade my students' papers. I'm afraid they "won't do it right." In actuality, I fear that they'll find a better, faster way to do it and make me look incompentent.
Personally, I reject help as well. I have finally figured out why. It makes me feel weak. If I accept help, that means I needed it. If I need help, that means I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. If I'm not strong enough, that means I'm weak. I don't want to be weak, and I certainly don't want others to view me as such. I was weak years and years ago, and all it led to was horrid experiences that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Those experiences broke me, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I was a crippled young girl who held no hope, other than to end her own life and therefore end the suffering. If I show weakness now, I fear becoming that defective young girl once again.
But I must break free of this fear. I am safe now. That was 13 years ago. 13 years is a very long time. It was a lifetime ago. I am not the same person anymore, and I never will be. I need to learn to deal with rough times and allow those reaching out to me to catch me when I'm falling.
Please don't give up on me. I'll get there, with your help.
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