Playground Hero

Today, while at the playground with my son on this gloriously beautiful day, I became a hero.

Let's back up a minute. I must comment on how picky my son can be. Boys will be boys, right? Boys will play in the dirt, make mud pies, and then try to eat them, right? Well, not my boy. We went to the park today since it was absolutely gorgeous outside. My son LOVES to be outside. Absolutely adores the outdoors. After sliding down the tunnel slide on his tummy at least a dozen times, he decided to make a dash for it, and began running down a steep hill. Usually, this would not be a problem, but because of the amount of rain we've received in the past few days, the hill was very slippery and muddy. Before my husband could reach him, down the little one went, getting mud all up his leg and all over his hands. Most boys would simply get up and keep running. Not my boy. He starts whining and crying and pointing at his leg. He hates to be dirty. I mean HATES it. So we had to pause in our play time in order to clean up the little one. Too funny.

Anywho--back to my moment of glory. There is a small merry-go-round at this park. I don't know if it's called a merry-g0-round; I've always called them spin and pukes since they make me dizzy. I'm referring to the round metal things that have large metal handles all over them. You spin and spin, around and around. Anyway, I digress. As I said before, we've had quite a lot of rain here recently, so the entire path around this sit and spin was completely muddy. I was in flip flops. Not a good combination. My husband came up with a way to make it work. He sat on the ride with my son and stuck his arm out. I held his arm and ran around and around and spun them. It had worked earlier, and now there were at least 4 or 5 boys on the ride, wanting to spin. Unfortunately, their mothers were the "ew, mud is icky" type Yuppie mothers, so they were stuck not going very fast. So here comes the hero of the day. My husband jumped on with my little one in tow, and I just started running. All the boys were screaming and laughing, yelling things like, "WOW! This is so fun" and "This is so fast." The Yuppie moms even giggled a bit, and commended me on my brave invention. I got a million thanks from smiling young boys as it was time for us to leave.

Making kids smile has to be one of the best feelings one can experience. I was out of breath by the end of the park encounter, but I could leave with a smile, knowing I was some 8 year-olds' hero.

"Top It!"

My son has learned how to say "stop it." Actually, it sounds more like "top it" or "bop it" most of the time. But oh how he has learned the meaning of that phrase. Whenever I correct him and he's not happy about that (which is almost all the time), he yells "Top it!"

This weekend, I took my little one to Target while Daddy stayed home to (finally) take down Christmas lights. (Hey, it's been cold out...back off). I was quite excited about the little trip for several reasons. #1. Target has great popcorn for only a buck. #2. There are hella-cute purses on sale. Not just any purse--a reversible purse. Yes, that's right. Two purses in one. Awesome. #3. I get to spend quality time with my son, and most likely spoil him by feeding him popcorn and buying him a new toy or shirt. Unfortunately, none of that was in the future for me.

As soon as we entered the store, my little one yells "Down!" and points to the doors leading from Target out into the mall. I calmly explain to him that he cannot get down, he has to sit in the cart. I even hand him his juice to make him feel better. What do I get in return? "DOWN!" Ugh. So I try to bribe him with grapes. I was hoping not to have to pull those out for at least another 15 minutes, but I figured, "What the hey, it'll get him to sit there quietly while I look at the purses, and then we'll go look at toys." But he doesn't want the grapes. He wants down. So what does he do? My precious, innocent little one hits my hand so hard that the bag of grapes fall to the floor. When I firmly tell him "Bad boy," he yells "TOP IT!" and gives me one of his evil looks. Then he starts squealing. Great. Just great.

So what do I do? I try rationalizing with him. HA! I'm standing in Target, trying to rationalize with a screaming toddler. "Honey, you can't get down. You could get hurt. Please sit in the cart." Ugh. After a few minutes, I give up, and I decide to go home in defeat. Of course, my little one makes it known that he doesn't want that, either. I have to almost break his little arm to get his coat on, and don't even ask me what I had to do to get him strapped into the car seat when we finally made it out to the parking lot. (Let's just say, CPS would probably frown upon the method).

I didn't get my shopping trip I wanted. But you know what? An hour later, my little one was stroking my hair and giving me kisses. It's all worth it. I can give up an adorable purse, as long as I still get my hair played with and wet kisses in the end.

hi!

Just wanted to say hello. Hi! Bonjour. Salut. Aloha. Hola. Yo. Wuz up?!

Yep, that's it.

I know, I'm weird. But you love it, and you know it. (You being the two people that read my blog) =P

Accepting Help

Friday was not a good day for me. In fact, it was a retched day. If you haven't noticed the title of my blog, look up. Yea. The World Through the Eyes of Smiles. My nickname in college was Smiles. There is a reason for that. For the most part, I am a very happy person. Even when I'm not, I can fake it quite well. Only a few choice people can see through my charade and realize something is wrong. I've come to realize this is because I don't want to let people in.

I have a very hard time accepting help from others. This affects all parts of my life. Professionally, I want to seem put-together. I want to seem like I know it all, and I can handle anything thrown at me. I go into work at least twenty minutes early every day, and I stay late almost every afternoon, sometimes for over an hour. I won't even let other people grade my students' papers. I'm afraid they "won't do it right." In actuality, I fear that they'll find a better, faster way to do it and make me look incompentent.

Personally, I reject help as well. I have finally figured out why. It makes me feel weak. If I accept help, that means I needed it. If I need help, that means I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. If I'm not strong enough, that means I'm weak. I don't want to be weak, and I certainly don't want others to view me as such. I was weak years and years ago, and all it led to was horrid experiences that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Those experiences broke me, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I was a crippled young girl who held no hope, other than to end her own life and therefore end the suffering. If I show weakness now, I fear becoming that defective young girl once again.

But I must break free of this fear. I am safe now. That was 13 years ago. 13 years is a very long time. It was a lifetime ago. I am not the same person anymore, and I never will be. I need to learn to deal with rough times and allow those reaching out to me to catch me when I'm falling.

Please don't give up on me. I'll get there, with your help.

It Gets Worse

So the kid I wrote about a few blogs ago....the one that kidnapped and raped that woman. Yea, he's being accused of raping a teacher from a school near here last year. Two women. He raped two women. He has scarred two women for the rest of their lives. They will never be the same. Sex will never be the same. Intimacy will never be the same. Men will never be the same. Because of him.

And I liked him. It makes my stomach churn every time I see his disgusting face on TV. I helped him daily in class. I coddled him. I convinced him he could go places in his life, do things that were important, make the best out of himself.

And now he's a rapist.

I was nice to a rapist. I liked a rapist.

Sick. It's all just so sick.

Pessimism Bites

Ever feel heartbroken, but you can't pinpoint why? Maybe heartbroken isn't the right term. Lonely. Rejected. Broken.

Sometimes, life throws things at you, and you're not sure how to react to them. Sometimes these things are positive: a relaxed day at work, time with friends, an understanding between loved ones with just a raise of an eyebrow.

But sometimes life throws some not so nice things at you. I was positive my house was selling. There was an offer, a counter, another counter, and then acceptance. All that was needed was approval of financing. I never thought that would have been denied. I'm not so upset about my house not selling. I'm more upset about not getting the house I wanted to buy. No, it's not off the market yet. But it's a great house. Fantastic even. And I am sure it won't sit on the market forever. If the timing is not right, my new house I want so badly may not be available once my current home sells.

Maybe there is a reason for this. Maybe I am not meant to move out of this house just yet. Maybe I'm am not meant to move into another, bigger house just yet. Or maybe this is just life throwing another crapball at me.

I'm not a pessimistic person, but tonight, I feel like one. I cannot stop dwelling on the negatives. It wouldn't be so bad if it were just the house issue, but when things fall through for me like this, it is difficult for me not to dig up all the hurts and pains I've experienced in the past.

I'm so tired of being a victim. I'm so tired of feeling weak. Why can't I take a small setback and just move on like normal people do????

Mixed Emotions

We got an offer on our house. We had two showings today, and we already have an offer. There was a glitch in the paperwork, and we weren't around when our realtor called, so we are unsure of the amount. However, we do know they want to close in thirty days. THIRTY DAYS!

My heart doesn't know what to feel. I am thrilled, ecstatic, and excited about moving into a larger home. I am happy that we already have an offer, when I thought it would be months from now before anything happened. But I am also depressed, thinking about having to leave the first house I've ever owned. I am really going to have to pack up my belongings and leave, allowing strangers to come in and replace me. I have to leave memories behind, and enter a whole new place where no memories of mine exist. And on top of that, I only have thirty days to find another 'house of my dreams,' pack my entire life into boxes, and split.

So do I rejoice in the fact that life is moving on? Or do I sulk in the idea of having to let go?

I Feel Sick

There was a news story last week about a woman who was carjacked and raped in our downtown area. Luckily, she got away when the bastard demanded she drive to an ATM to get him money. She was quick thinking, got out of the car, and ran for her life. She's going to be okay physically, but I can only imagine what mental torment she will be in for the rest of her life.

The sickening thing? The thing that is making my stomach tie itself in knots? The 'man' they arrested was one of my students at the correctional facility. He was one of my favorite students. He was quiet, polite, and always did his work. To think I talked to him on a daily basis. I complimented him. I worked hard to help him get his GED. Now he's out raping and terrorizing women.

I need to go throw up now.

Living Life

I am a very organized person (though my desk at work wouldn't suggest such a thing). I like to know what I'm doing, when, and with whom. I plan, plan, and then plan some more. I am always on time, which usually means I'm early. My whole life has been lived on a schedule. Hell, I even had my son on his due date, despite the fact the doctor said there was no way this baby was going to come on his own, and had set it up for me to be induced. I feel the need to be able to see into the future, and when I can't, I panick.

I have been told that this mindset is not needed. I have been told to live in the moment; enjoy the here and now.

Things aren't perfect. My life is far from flawless. But it's my life, and there are many things in it that make me happy. Truly joyful. Even ecstatic at times. And I know I am more than fortunate to have these moments in time where nothing better could be happening to me.

So I'm going to attempt this new mindset. I'm going to live in the moment. I am going to enjoy the present. I'm going to forget about trying to see into the future, and just start counting the blessings I have right now.

Oh Yea, Babeee!

I got approved for tuition reimbursement for the class I am currently taking. WOO HOO!!! Awesome, baby!!!!!!!!! 75% of my money is coming back to me (as long as I get a B...hrm, that will be hard for me, right?)