Things That Make Me Smile

My 3 year old saw a dragon fly and said "Look Mommy, a alligator fly."

Camping. The hot dogs, the steaks, the chicken kabobs, the smores, the pies.

Watching my son play independently.

Hearing my son mimic his father while playing.

My friend Sunshine and her wicked sense of humor. Oh wait, we're not friends anymore. My bad.

Seeing the bond between my husband and son grow by the day through play.

Good barbeque.

Time with my family, immediate and extended.

My new short hair, and even more so, the thought that in just another day, it will have a spunky blue streak through it. Oh yeah.

The sound of my son's giggle.

My husband's obsession with cars.

Life. Love. Happiness.

Fun

I went camping this weekend with my husband, son, and MIL and FIL (mother-in-law, etc). Yes, this prissy girl enjoys roughing it. And no, I do not sleep in an air conditioned camper. I sleep in a tent.

I have many bug bites to show for my adventure with nature, one in a not-so-lovely place. Ick. So no to the NFPs (that's No Flush Potty coined by my 3 year old)

Watching my son play independently with his new toys that his Papa found at a garage sale was amazing. I cannot believe how much he has grown.

Another thrill to watch was him playing with super-soakers with Nana and Papa. All three ended up soaking wet, and the adults were amazed at how skilled the little one was with a squirt gun. He falls for no tricks and takes no prisoners. When he plays, he plays to win.

I was proud of myself for not minding the scattered showers we encountered. I had no make up with me all weekend, and I even left my hairdryer at home this time. Woo hoo! This prissy girl gets more rugged with time!

Things

So....I am still hurt about what my friend said about me. I still feel that I have never been in her 'inner circle,' and now that I've said some hurtful things in frustration (yes, I know, no excuse), there is no way to break inside that circle. She told me there were things she expected out of her inner circle friends, and I felt like it was a test. Like I have to prove myself to her. I thought friendship was unconditional. Apparently not....at least not on her side. Ironic...there are things she has said and done in the past that hurt me to the core, but after discussion, she was fully forgiven. She was never 'pushed out of the inner circle' of my life. Yet when I mess up, I must again pass all the tests and walk over hot coals in order to earn my way back into the friendship. But then she sends me wonderful texts about how much I am loved and how I need to gain some self-confidence. What? I am so confused. All I can understand are my emotions, and I am still hurt and feel unworthy. I don't like that feeling.

So why do I continue on this path? Because I love and adore her. I continue the roller coaster ride because the highs are really high. I continue because the good times are so unbelievable fantastic. So I guess it's just waiting time. I sit and see what happens in the future. And in the meantime, I keep my mouth completely closed.

Hurt But Healing

I went to church this morning. I woke up late and had to rush to make it, but I am very glad I did. It made me realize that I will never be alone. God is by my side through everything I do, and He will never desert me. He will always love me unconditionally.

I've been thinking a lot today. I have been questioning myself on habits of mine. Why do I put so much stock into what other people think of me? Why does it matter what they think of me? Why do I allow someone else to alter my mood? Even worse, why do I allow someone else to alter my vision of myself? How can I give one person so much control over me? Especially when this person does not see me as an important part of their life. This person has implied that when I speak, I will not be listened to. This person has implied that my words mean nothing, yet my words caused much damage as well. How can this be? And if I will no longer be listened to, if I am not important enough to be listened to, why speak? Why ever say anything again? Is this a friendship at all?

I have never felt good enough. I have never felt like I loved hard enough, that I was open-minded enough. I have never felt like I fit in. So why keep trying? Why should I allow myself to feel this rejection over and over again? Why not jump off the roller coaster now, while it's slow enough that I wouldn't get too hurt?

I do not deserve to feel inferior. I do not deserve to always be the one apologizing and to never receive an apology. I do not deserve to question myself so often just to call myself a friend, when truly, I'm no more than an acquaintance. Someone in the past that used to be fun to hang with, and is no longer of any substance in another's life.

My husband loves me. My son loves me. God loves me. I'm good just where I am. I need no others.

An Island of Three

I have realized tonight that I have my son and my husband, and that is really all I have in life. I am a bad person. I say bad things about people who are supposed to be my friends. I am judgemental. My words have no meaning, and I will basically be ignored for the rest of my life.

I really feel I am misunderstood, but maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm just not 'friend material.' Maybe I just am not meant to have great friends. Only good acquaintances. I try to reach out to others. I try to listen and empathize. It all turns out wrong, and I end up feeling worse than I did before I attempted helping someone else.

I always thought I was a good person. I always thought I was a great friend. I love to love people. I love to pour myself into them. I love to dote on them as much as possible. Why then do I have no one but my son and husband, one of which is only 3 years old and has no choice but to love me? Of course he's going to love the person who wipes the shit off his ass. Is my husband delusional? What does he see in me that no one else can?

I guess it could be worse. I could be completely alone. At least I know I will always have my two boys. I'll always have an island of three.