Lost in the Rollercoaster of Life

The past week has been huge highs and enormous lows. My last post was written Monday night, just one week ago. It seems like a lifetime ago. Tuesday morning at 7:05 AM, my life as I knew it changed drastically. I was offered the English position at the alternative school I had interviewed for the day before. This was it. The moment my husband and I had been praying for in order to improve our family life and strengthen our marriage. Of course I accepted the offer. My stomach was in absolute turmoil as I walked into my current place of employment. Though I know this is the best decision for my family, it is not an easy decision. I am giving up a program I created on my own, caring colleagues I have built real relationships, and a stable job that I am confident in completing. I cried when I told my principal. I was sure it would not be the last time (and it wasn't...I cried Friday and today as well).

So on Friday, I came home on a high. Things were looking up for my family. I was making the sacrifice that was asked of me, and I was doing so willingly. My husband and I were preparing to go away for the weekend to celebrate our five year anniversary. Then Saturday morning at 6 AM, the bottom dropped out. My husband had received an email from a mutual friend, and he saw D's name in it. It was one of those silly forwards that people send each other where you fill out questions like "what did you eat last?" and "what is your favorite ice cream?" I was an idiot and included D. I shouldn't have. And when I did, I should have told my husband, but I didn't. On top of that, I was in D's room talking to him for about 15 minutes on Friday. Here comes the fight.

Not to get into details, but after an hour or so, we moved on and decided to have a good weekend. I thought all was dealt with. I thought wrong.

Sunday night, I find out that my husband is still royally pissed. He tells me that I'm "not putting my family first." My heart was torn right out of my body. All the work and pain I had gone through in the past three months was nothing? It wasn't putting my family first? Giving up a job I adore wasn't putting my family first? We fought for a good four hours, off and on.

Things are okay now. I'm not sure they're good, but they're okay. The thing is, this is a very tough week for me. I have to say goodbye to people I really like. I have to tell my students that once again, an adult is abandoning them. I have to put myself into the vulnerable position of starting a brand new job that I am not sure how to do. And yet, I feel like I have to do all this alone. On my own.

I hope I can make it through this.....

Rejection

Is it wrong to be angry when you are rejected for a job that you would not have taken anyway? The Children's Home just called, and they went with the other candidate. Man, what a slap in the face. I was runner-up. I am better than runner-up. I am a FANTASTIC teacher, so why didn't they want me? I gave a spectacular interview. Grrr..... Talk about a blow to an already fragile ego. Not what I needed right now. Oh well, I can't do anything about it, and dwelling on it will only make my stomach hurt even more. C'est la vie.

No Go

We have decided that I should not take the job at the Children's Home. It's just too big of a pay cut. We are afraid that we will no longer fight about D and the affair, but we will now fight about the lack of money. We also realize what huge sacrifices we would have to make in our marriage, like extra trips, eating out, and postponing or even canceling the thought of having another child. We are not ready for that.

I was really relieved to find that my husband was quite hesitant about the move, just like me. I feared that he would think I was using the money issue to avoid leaving my current place of work. He was so supportive and understanding, and I do not know how he does it. I knew he loved me, but I had no idea to what extent.

I have another interview on Monday for an alternative school near my house. I am excited about the prospect, but also sad. Yes, my current place of work is going through chaos right now, but it still upsets me to think of leaving. Those kids really need me. I actually do good there. Some actually leave better young men, and part of that is because of me.

And then there's the staff. Good God we have to hilarious people there. I will miss the wonderful camaraderie I have there with several of them, some more than others of course. I think when I imagine leaving, that is what saddens me the most. It's not the job itself because I know I am destined to work with at-risk youth, and that is why God placed me on this earth. He would not open my eyes the my gift and then take it away. I will find somewhere to help these kids. But I am not sure I will find the friendships that I have found at my job. Maybe friendships is the wrong word, since I do not associate with them outside of work, but I cannot think of what else to call them. They are---comfortable. They are supportive. They are always there for each other in a time of need. I can remember days when I was on the verge of tears for one reason or another, and there was always somebody there to offer me a tissue or rub my back. I am not sure I will find another group of such tight-knit people. I will move on, and I will have good relationships with my new coworkers, but I will never bond with them like I have bonded with the people I work with now. I will truly miss them.....

What To Do?

I am stuck. I feel that I cannot possibly make the correct decision. What do you do in that kind of situation?

I interviewed for a new job. It's a wonderful job. It's honestly exactly what I want to do with life. I would be teaching high school English to at-risk youth. There would be no more than 12 students in a class, and often, only 8 students each class. How great is that? All the teachers I have talked to that work there or used to work there rave about it. They tell me how much they love it there, how they adore the kids, and how they feel they are really making a difference in these kids' lives. Even better--I'd have the summers off. I'd have a Christmas break--a REAL Christmas break. I'd be able to spend more time with my little one. The biggest reason for this change is to get away from D. I need to show my husband that I am in this marriage--completely and totally. We are not sure this can happen when I work right next door to him. My husband has given me the greatest gift I can imagine--a chance to earn forgiveness. I blew apart his image of me and our marriage only 2 1/2 months ago, and yet he does not throw this in my face. We don't even fight about it. This is an amazing gift, and I feel I owe it to him (and more importantly--us) to give him this gift in return.

What's the problem? This new fabulous job is a $17,000 pay cut. OUCH! I knew it would be a cut in pay because I would be going from a 12 month position to a 9 month position, but I had no idea it would be that bad of a cut. Also, even after 22 years of experience, I would only be making $2,000 more than I am RIGHT NOW with only 5 years of experience. I know that people say 'money isn't everything,' but those are usually people with money. I am scared that if I take this cut, my family will suffer. I fear that I will not be providing for my family like I should be. I won't be able to give Gabriel the childhood I want to give him. I may not be able to become a mother again, which is a true passion of mine. And I truly fear that though I will be away from D and he will no longer be an issue in my marriage, my husband and I will now have yet another huge issue to fight about--money. A friend of mine recently told me that money is the #2 reason for divorce. #1? Adultery. Can my marriage actually survive both of these calamities?

So here I am, unable to make a choice. A choice that will change not only my life forever, but the lives of my husband and child. I cannot stay at my job because of D. I cannot leave my job because of money. So which is the lesser of evils?

"When God closes one door, he opens another" or "For every door closed by God, a window is opened" are phrases that come to mind. Gabriel is still young, and though I would love to have my summers off with him, I don't really need them off just yet. My goal is to have the same schedule as him once he's in the 1st grade. There will be other doors that open for me, hopefully paying more. However, what is this is THE door for me? What if the Children's Home is the window I'm supposed to jump through? How do I know which choice is the right one, and what if there just isn't a right choice?

Losing Her

I am losing my best friend. My only friend, other than my husband. I am afraid that I may have already lost her, and I didn't even see it happening.

A very horrible thing happened to my Sunshine three months ago. She's been trying to recover ever since, and though she is making great strides, she still has setbacks, which are to be expected, of course. I thought I was doing a good job at helping her through these setbacks. I felt that I was being the strong friend she needed. I think I might have been blinded in the past two months with my own problems to see the real truth--she's been slipping away from me ever since that fateful day.

Sunshine isn't sunshine-y all the time. She comes from a very dysfunctional family. When I say dysfunctional, I mean totally fucked up beyond belief. Fucking insane. And they treat her like shit. Lower than that. She has many emotional problems because of them. She has low self-confidence because of them. That's an understatement. It's almost self-loathing sometimes. It's so upsetting because she is such a wonderful person at heart. She rarely sees this.

She's visiting her family right now. They live in Hawaii. You'd think when one goes from Indiana to Hawaii, one would be having the time of one's life. Not Sunshine. Not around this insane family that doesn't understand morality. She's suffering horribly right now, and I can't do anything about it. And not only can I not do anything, she doesn't want me to be able to. I am shut out.

And now, even after suffering a panic attack and only surviving because a true friend was there for her, she is still thinking of moving there. Moving there. Moving to a place where she won't have the friends who love and adore her, and want to protect her. She'll be right there, with her crazy mother who will just turn Sunshine into a blubbering mess. And I am just so scared for her. And for me.

It's bad enough that we've never been as close as I wanted us to be. It's bad enough to find out that she can turn to a man she hated up until six months ago easier than turning to me. At least there are moments of bonding. There are moments when I feel needed and loved. But if she goes, if she leave for Hawaii, I'll lose her forever.

I guess it just begins now.....or did it begin three months ago...? And does it really matter...? If I'm losing her, does it matter if it's three months ago, now, or three months from now? The end result is the same. I'm left alone....without my Sunshine.

Hopeful

I am starting to regain hope. I am starting to hold more faith in the idea of winning. Winning this fight against infidelity. Winning my marriage back. Winning my family back.

Things are definitely getting better. Getting brighter.

I don't have anything prophetic to say. I just wanted to go on record as seeing things as positive right now. Through this whole situation, I have grown more pessimistic, and I really dislike that in me. I want to at least attempt changing this new negative attitude. Knowing that I don't always think we're doomed will help. I hope.....