March For Babies

This is the third time I have walked in the March of Dimes charity walk which helps families who have had their babies prematurely or their babies have suffered from some type of birth defect. This walk has become near and dear to my heart, and I look forward to it each year. I guess there is one thing in April that is good.

This year I raised the most I have ever raised: $685. I was nervous that I would not even reach my goal of $500 since my coworkers at my previous job always contributed so much. A few of them donated this year, and a few of my new coworkers also donated, but the real credit goes to my husband. He raised almost $250 at his firm (actually, as of two weeks ago, that is his previous employer) by making cookies and having a bake sale. Without his help, I would not have met my goal. Thank you, H2, for helping me help these families in need.

I walked with my husband, my son, and my two best friends, Sessa and T. My little one loved being pulled around in his little red wagon as well as being around his aunties. The weather was beautiful. I feared it was going to be too cool or that it was going to rain. Instead, it was completely sunny, only 60 degrees, and a nice breeze. We couldn't have asked for better walking weather.

It was so touching to see all the families there and all the little kids. I am so very lucky to have a healthy little boy. I thank my lucky stars every day for the miraculous blessing I have been given.

It feels good to help others. I am glad I once again participated in this wonderful event.

April Sucks

I know this title is not very eloquent, but I cannot think of a more fitting title. April really does suck. And it blows. I am so glad it is almost over.

14 year ago on this date, my innocence (and virginity) was ripped away from me by my 'loving' boyfriend. My nightmares are basically gone (I only have them once or twice a year) and I rarely even think of that time in my life. Time and therapy are great healers. However, it still affects me. I guess I was acting differently yesterday because my husband kept asking me if something was wrong. I would respond that no, I was fine because I really didn't think anything was wrong, but apparently it was affecting me in some way. I cannot expect my husband to remember this date. He has his own demons to face during this month.

Tomorrow marks the date of when my husband found out about my affair. It almost ripped my family apart, causing me to lose my husband completely and lost my son for half of the month. I still do not know how we made it through this, but we did, and I am very grateful. However, I cannot help but notice the change in my husband's mood during this time of year. I wonder if it will always be this way, even 10 or 15 years from now. Those are the consequences I must face, and I must remind myself that at least we are still together.

Then there is my best friend. She was sexually attacked on April 5th of last year at the prison facility where we both worked. Thankfully, we both have escaped that horrible place of employment since then. But her scars are still there. They are still very real. They will be for some time. I wish I could hold her through all her nightmares and unsure times, but I cannot. The only thing I can do is offer to be here for her when she needs to scream or cry.

And of course, through my past posts you have learned, a good friend of mine passed away unexpectedly on April 6th. Can this month get any worse? Now I fear what next April will bring. It's like something has to be added to the mountain of fear, hurt, and guilt each time this month comes round. I am tired of feeling this way.

Bring on May.

Comfort

Though I still mourn the death of my friend, and I will for months (and years) to come, I find comfort. Where? In God.

I went to church yesterday. I didn't really want to, mostly because I am still a little angry with God. I am angry that He took away my good friend, one of only a few. I am angry that my little one will never truly know his "Uncle Wagon." I am angry that God has made a widow out of one of my friends, who shouldn't have had to say that until she was in her eighties.

But I went. I forced myself to go so I could find answers to my questions. Though I did not find them all, I did find a few. It's odd how sometimes when you attend church, the sermon is exactly what you need to hear at that moment. This is not the first time I have been taught a lesson for which I was yearning. I am sure it will not be the last.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

We are all sheep, and God is our shepherd. Though we are helpless at times, God is there with us to guide us. When we are not strong enough to go on, God carries us until we are brave enough to walk on our own yet again.

I miss Wagon. I will miss him all my life. But I know he is with God now, his rightful home. I am thankful that I am a Christian. I have my faith to turn to in turbulent times. I honestly feel sorry for those who have nothing to lean on, no rhyme nor reason to life's turn of events. It must be lonely without the spirit of God in your heart, especially when someone so close to you is taken. I still hurt, but now I have comfort as well.

Goodbye My Friend

I had to say goodbye to my good friend Wagon today. It was most likely one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

I am 30 years old. I should not be losing friends. I am too young. My friend, T, should not be 28 and a widow. Those things just aren't supposed to happen.

But it did happen. And I must face the truth. My friend Wagon will never be here to make me laugh again.

The viewing was yesterday. I thought I would be okay, but then I saw the pictures. There was a picture I had never seen before of Wagon and my son that was just taken in January. They were both smiling with their mouths open, probably from laughing. There was always laughter in the room when Wagon was present. I broke down when I saw that picture, finally realizing that my little boy will never know the joy his "Uncle Wagon" could bring to him.

Today was the funeral. T broke down when they were ready to close the casket. She was laying on his body, and it was painful to hear the sobs that were coming from her lips. I cannot imagine the pain and sorrow she is experiencing right now, and will continue to experience for months to come.

I laughed and cried during the ceremony. His family shared touching moments, and they also shared funny ones.

I know that Wagon will never be here to make me laugh, but he will continue to make be crack up through old memories. He is a part of me always; I just have to close my eyes and picture him. He will reside in my heart until the day I join him in heaven.

It did help to listen to the scripture being read. I know that God has him now, and that he is safe and happy in his eternal life. I hope that eventually T can come to this realization as well. I know it will take time, but I hope that it is sooner than later. I worry about her constantly.

So goodbye, my friend. You will be forever missed. I will continue to mourn you and cry over your death for months, I know. But I also promise to remember and share your hilarious stories and laugh with our friends. You'd want me to laugh, that I'm sure of. I will do my best to take care of your love, T. Her heart is breaking right now. If you can, comfort her in her sleep.

Goodbye, Wagon. Your Eddie sure will miss you.

Shaken Faith

I am supposed to be writing about my spring break. I am supposed to be sharing all the absolutely wonderful things I did with my family this past week. I am supposed to be talking about the fantastic time we had. I am supposed to be happy.

But I am not.

Literally a minute after I stepped into my house today, returning home from vacation, I received a call. It was one of those calls that after the first sentence, you know your life will never be the same. "I have some really not okay news for you."

"C passed away in his sleep last night."

WHAT!? No. You have to be fucking kidding me, right? That's not possible. The man is 29 years old. He just got married in September. He's going to start trying to have kids with T in the fall.

No. No this isn't real. It cannot be real.

But it is. God has stolen yet another young, happy, funny human being from this Earth. Dare I say, from me. How could this be? How could this happen? And what the hell is T going to do? They were supposed to start moving into their brand new house today. The brand new house they JUST CLOSED ON LAST MONTH.

There's that damn phrase 'supposed to.'

Why? Why did this happen? What's the point, God? Seriously. Help me out here. What did he do that was so horrible that he had to be taken? What did T do? She waited all her life to find someone perfect for her. She does, and then you take him away?

Fuck this. I am so angry and so pissed and so hurt and so confused.

This was not supposed to happen. Not in a million years. Not ever.