Goodness, I'm Getting Old

My hips hurt. I mean, they ache. They are KILLING me. All because I walked 5 miles today. Goodness I'm old. Or maybe just out of shape. Or God forbid, both. Ugh.

A Walk for Life

My life is in turmoil right now. There is much chaos surrounding me, and sometimes, I feel like screaming at the world "GO AWAY" and running into my hidey-hole. But today, today was different. Today I did something worthwhile. Today, I saved babies.

Today I walked in my second annual March of Dimes walk. This charity raises money for research of the causes and possible preventions of premature birth. Knowing some very special people that have been touched by this issue, and also having the miracle of a healthy, happy baby have made me realize just how important this charity is. And guess what? I raised $544 dollars! Can you believe that? My original goal was $1,000, but some unfortunate events kept me from achieving this. However, it was pointed out to me that over the past two years, I HAVE raised over $1,000. And that makes me feel great.

So, though my life is nowhere near perfect, and I feel unsure about myself and my future, I did something positive today. And I'm deciding to focus on that.

Perceptions

People look at me and see
an intelligent woman
a sense of strength beauty
fun personality
wackiness
People do not look at me and see
darkness
dirtiness
shame
stupidity
guilt
In a way this is a good thing
I don't want them to see
the ugliness
the broken child
the weak spirit
I want them to go on believing
everything is fine
normal
happy
But at times, only seldom
I wish people could see
could know
could feel
Would they then understand rape?

Monster

What happens if I open that door?
What happens if I let it out?
My secret.
The one that's so deep
so deep inside.
I'm not sure where to find it.
I'm not sure I WANT to find it.
I know it would help
heal
But I've gotta hurt
to heal
And no one wants to hurt
just heal
Who knows where my monster lies
or what he'd do if released
Can I put him back into the cellars once he's out?
Or will I have to face him
head on
everday?

Lost

My best friend in the whole world was hurt last Friday. She was horribly, horribly hurt. I want to help her. I want to "fix" her. But I don't know how. And now all I can do is cry.

She was hurt just like I was hurt almost 13 years ago. Her pain has awakened my buried pain, and I just don't know how to deal. I am trying to be so strong for her. I am trying to be the perfect friend. I am trying so hard to do everything I am supposed to be doing, but I feel like I'm not doing anything at all.

I miss her. I miss her like crazy. I had no idea how much one week without her would affect me. It's killing me inside not being able to see her smile. But I have to keep strong. For her. For everyone at work. I don't know how much longer I can last.

I'm so afraid to say anything to anybody. I don't want them to not worry about her, because she's the one in real pain now. No one needs to worry about me, so I remain silent. And strong.

But I feel so alone. So lost. So raw.

God, please make all this go away. Why did you have to hurt my Sunshine? Why'd you have to take her from me?

(Sunshine, if you're reading this, please do not be upset with me. I just need to get this out. I'm so sorry if you're hurt by this at all. You're in enough pain; I don't want to be the cause of any more.)

Spunky with Ink

I am now inked. Yes, that's right, the infamously sweet and innocent Smiles got a tattoo this weekend. And it is amazingly sexy if I do say so myself. (Sidebar comment--a preppy girl at that tattoo parlor said to my Sunshine "she doesn't look innocent." Ha. I must be losing the "I'm just a sweet little girl" look. Is this a good or bad thing?)

All my life, I have been anti-tattoo. I always thought to myself "Why would anyone want to permanently scar their body?" I thought it was one of the stupidest things anyone could do, and why go through all that pain for something so tacky and ugly?

Then I met my best friend. Well, actually, I met her almost 3 years ago. We quickly became best buds, and I honestly think she knows more about me than anyone else (well, maybe more than almost everyone else). She started talking to me about tattoos about three months ago. I thought she was crazy, but the more she talked about them, the more I started changing my mind on the issue. Then creative genius hit her, and she came up with the perfect tattoo for the both of us.

She is my Sunshine. I don't know where I got the name for her. I just did. It came to me, and it stuck. She calls me her Smiles for obvious reasons. So....why not get a tattoo of a smiling sun?

It is gorgeous. Absolutely stunning. I got mine on my lower back, and she got hers on her ankle. It hurt, but not nearly as bad as I thought it would. I had to grind my teeth a few times, but luckily it only took twenty minutes, so it was over quickly. And it was so worth it.

Now when I am lonely and feel as if I am unloved (yes, I am completely melodramatic), I can glance at my tattoo and remember that I am somebody's Smiles. It makes me beam just thinking about it.