Unforgiven

I am unforgiven. This is my fate in life, my punishment handed to me. I used to brush this off, acting as if it did not affect me. I believe this is mainly because I still had hope that things might change, that an epiphany or something grand would occur. I have recently given up that hope.

I had a nightmare that my husband had sex with another woman. The double stings were that it was with a girl he lusted after in college whom I was always jealous of, and the fact that he had sex with her right in front of me. When he was finished, I was crying and enraged, and he didn't understand why, since I had cheated on him.

The dream itself is not what upset me. It's the emotions that came with it. It made me remember what horrible things I did to my husband, and how he must have felt when he found out. How he still feels. There will always be reminders to him; he will always have flashbacks to that horrid time. And I did that, and can never make up for it.

I will never be forgiven. I stopped my relationship with D. I quit my job and started all over. I let my husband know any time D attempts to contact me. I have all but given up on the idea of another child. But that is not enough. Those things will never make up for my heinous act. Those things will not earn me forgiveness. Will anything? No, I don't think so.

The sad thing is I would rather have my husband cheat on me than have this sinking feeling in my heart and the pit of my stomach. I would rather have to look at pictures of him and another girl or be forced to watch video every day for the rest of my life than feel like the scum that I am.