4.8

It's just a number, yes I know. But it's a number that deems success. It's a number that proves to me that I'm doing well.

I have lost 4.8 pounds since I started working out. That's almost 5 pounds (yes, you probably could have figured that out on your own, but I'm still excited about it, so I'm gonna say something). Yup--5 pounds less of me is now walking around. Tee hee.

And though the number of my weight is not the important thing, it is something measurable that I can hold onto to reassure myself that I am doing a good thing. I am getting more fit, more in shape, and healthier.

And thinner. ;) Not that I'm psyched about that or anything.

Go, Little Manning, Go!

Last week at this time I was still depressed over my Colts's loss. I couldn't believe we had lost. I couldn't believe our hopes for The SuperBowl were gone.

Now I'm shouting "GO ELI GO!"

So Peyton can't go to the Bowl this year. But his little brother is. So I will still cheer for a Manning this year. Just the younger version.

Unforgiven

I am unforgiven. This is my fate in life, my punishment handed to me. I used to brush this off, acting as if it did not affect me. I believe this is mainly because I still had hope that things might change, that an epiphany or something grand would occur. I have recently given up that hope.

I had a nightmare that my husband had sex with another woman. The double stings were that it was with a girl he lusted after in college whom I was always jealous of, and the fact that he had sex with her right in front of me. When he was finished, I was crying and enraged, and he didn't understand why, since I had cheated on him.

The dream itself is not what upset me. It's the emotions that came with it. It made me remember what horrible things I did to my husband, and how he must have felt when he found out. How he still feels. There will always be reminders to him; he will always have flashbacks to that horrid time. And I did that, and can never make up for it.

I will never be forgiven. I stopped my relationship with D. I quit my job and started all over. I let my husband know any time D attempts to contact me. I have all but given up on the idea of another child. But that is not enough. Those things will never make up for my heinous act. Those things will not earn me forgiveness. Will anything? No, I don't think so.

The sad thing is I would rather have my husband cheat on me than have this sinking feeling in my heart and the pit of my stomach. I would rather have to look at pictures of him and another girl or be forced to watch video every day for the rest of my life than feel like the scum that I am.

Big and Beautiful

It's been two days in a row now that I've worked out. I joined a new fitness club. I like it. It's only for women, they have ultra cheap daycare, and the trainers there are very down to earth and helpful. Today I went in for my 'fitness test,' which is basically just taking measurements and such. Talk about a downer. I knew I had gained weight (ballooned as I call it), but I had no idea how much. At first I was very embarrassed by the numbers, and I didn't want to share them with anyone. But then I thought, why not? I can document my progress, and even with the large number, I'm still damn hot. I am one beautiful lady. All 169 pounds and 31% body fat of me.

So there. Now the numbers have no power over me. They're just that: numbers.

Lunch With Old Pals (old as in former, not age)

I had lunch with my old work pals today. It was very touching to see the amount of people that showed. There were over 20 people there. Wow! I had no idea how popular I was.

It was nice to see all those people again, but it was kinda sucky at the same time. There were SO many people there that I didn't get to visit with the people I truly wanted to see. They were at the other end of the table or at completely different tables altogether. They might as well not have been there in the first place. I ended up sitting with people I wasn't even close with to begin with. I did, however, get a few minutes to talk with certain people after lunch was over. It was only a few minutes, but I'll take a few precious moments over nothing at all. It made me miss them more than ever, though. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I heard from them throughout the year. I wish they would write more. Then it wouldn't seem like I hadn't talked to them since August, since I would know what was going on in their lives from time to time. We had to shove four months of life into a 5 minute conversation before they had to run. We didn't even get to say close to everything we'd like to say. This just isn't satisfying.

But like I said.....a few precious moments to talk with old friends is better than no moments at all. I'll take it.