Tears and Apologies

Tears can come at strange times. I'll admit I can be a sap. That's an understatement, really. But tears still creep up on me sometimes, and they can totally surprise me.

There I am, driving along in my car alone, and "Apologize" by Timbaland/One Republic starts playing on the radio. I've heard the song before. In fact, I love it. I first heard it on "So You Think You Can Dance," when they used it for a unique hip hop love dance. This time, though, something was different. I heard the pain in the singer's voice. I could feel his agony.

It's all about a man who is obviously deeply in love with a woman, but she has hurt him one too many times. She tries to apologize once more, but he regrettably has to tell her that "it's too late to apologize."

I am a good person....I think. But I also know I have done some horrible things in my past. I have hurt many people (mostly men), and I do not know how they have forgiven me. Actually, I don't know that any of them have, or ever will for that matter.

I guess hearing that song just made me picture every person I've ever hurt in my life, and I realized that it really is too late to apologize.

Incredibly Spoiled

I am unimagineably spoiled. Seriously. And I love every freaking second of it.

Today, I was thrown a surprise 30th birthday party. Part of the surprise is the fact that my birthday was three weeks ago. Ha. I had no idea that is was going to occur. Friends from my new place of work as well as my old place of work were there. My husband and best friend organized the whole thing weeks ago.

There was an abundance of food, balloons galore, and two dozen roses sitting under a pavilion in a park near my home. And to think I was cussing out my husband on the way there.

See, we had planned to go shopping for my son and then watch the Colts game today. My husband called me after he was supposed to be at the store (where I had been waiting for quite some time by then) and told me he was just going to meet me at home. Grrr. I was SO mad. Then I got home and he said we had to go to the park to watch his boss's kids perform in a pumpkin carving contest. WHAT!?

I am just glad I didn't say the horrid things I was thinking in my head out loud. I would have really been eating my words after seeing the lovely spread awaiting me.

I don't know what I've done to be this spoiled. I honestly don't believe I deserve one ounce of it. But I try to be gracious and accept the wonderful gifts and surprises that are showered upon me.

Thanks Sunshine and H2!!

An Unexpected Gift

Unexpected presents are the best kind of presents to receive in my eyes. You are going about your day, and suddenly you are given a gift. It can be something small, like a piece of chocolate from a coworker who knows your love of chocolate, or it can be something even better, like a compliment from an unruly student. The intangible gifts must be the best. Wednesday, I received one of the best unexpected gifts of my life.

I went shopping at "Teacher's Treasures," a free store for teachers who work in low income areas. They have a variety of classroom supplies that are donated by generous companies, and it can really help us poor teachers out, considering we are often expected to stock our own classroom with supplies on our measly salaries. (This is something few people think about if they do not know a teacher themselves.) As I turned a corner into a new aisle, I saw EE, a counselor at the facility I used to teach at. He is the outreach counselor who puts together community service projects for the young men incarcerated there. I asked what he was doing there, and he informed me that three of the young men were in the back working; they volunteer there every Wednesday. Much to my surprise, two of these young men I knew. They had been in the GED program, and had been working towards earning their GED when I left that position. EE asked if I would like to talk to them. OF COURSE!

MD came out first, and he didn't recognize me right away. Then he yelled my name and came trotting over. We chit-chatted for a while, and then JM came out as well. They both recently took their GED test, and they were talking about how worried they were about their scores, even though both scored high on the practice test. They started asking me questions about how to retake the test if they failed, and if I thought they had a good chance of passing with the practice scores they had. It was like I had never left that place. It was nice. It was comforting.

So where is this amazing gift I am speaking of? They are both going to college. That's right. They are both signed up for college classes already for next semester!!! One wants to work with computers, and the other wants to be a special education teacher! Can you believe it? Two young men that I helped are going to college. They are going to succeed! They are going to escape the violent, crime-filled lives they were living and head in the opposite direction. Did I cause this change in them? Certainly not. But I did help it along. I am confident in that. Two young men that I helped are improving their lives, and that my friend, is the best gift I could have ever asked for.

MD and JM are perfect examples of why I am a teacher, and why I insist on working with at-risk youth. I won't reach all of them. I won't even reach most. But as long as I keep reaching a few, I have done my job.

I thank God for allowing me this opportunity to see this powerful gift. What a small world. Who would have thought I would have been talking to my ex-students on a random Wednesday in the hood of Indianapolis?

30 Ain't So Bad

I'm thirty. The good news is I really don't mind being thirty. I thought it would be a big deal, but after the day was done, I didn't feel any differently. Age is merely a number. And honestly, I kind of like being thirty. I'm an adult who can do as she pleases, yet I still am young enough to know how to fun. That, and I still look damn good. Thirty is going to be fun. =)

No More Worries

Mom is okay! It was just a cyst! =) AND, she is getting just a bit of relief from the pain in her arms due to the slipped disks. All is well. *Whew*

Mom

I'm worried about my mommy.

On vacation, her neck became very stiff, and her thumb and finger on one arm went numb. After seeing a doctor when returning home, she found out she has two slipped disks in her spine. She has to have physical therapy three times a week now, and they're even ordering a machine for her to use at home. It's called 'traction,' and it's supposed to realign her spine and hopefully let the 'squishy stuff' between the disks of her spine to snap back into place. The good news is that the doctor ruled out surgery. He says the disks are too small. The bad news is that she 'just has to be patient' and deal with the unbearable pain for a few weeks. She's off work, and though she has over 6 months of sick time accrued, she can't earn her vacation time right now.

As if that weren't enough, she went in for her regular mammogram, and they found something suspicious. They have to perform an 'aspiration' on her breast on Friday. If they draw fluid, then there is no problem. If they don't, then they have to perform a needle biopsy. She has had a scare before during my sophomore year of college, but it turned out to be benign. However, my grandmother (Mom's mother) has had breast cancer twice, and my aunt (Mom's sister) is recovering from treatment for breast cancer as I type.

I am trying to hold it together. I am trying to tell myself that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I am trying to stay strong. But this is my mom. MY mom. How can I not worry? At times I just push the negative thoughts aside and concentrate on all that I need to do for work. But I know this is just a self-preservation method, and at some point, I'm going to come crashing down.

I just want my mom to be okay.